Last weekend was magical. The coup de grâce of my gambling troubles.  My Valhalla. My Flu Game. If you’re scoring at home, I went an astounding 13-3 against the spread.  13-3. Against the spread. I wouldn’t believe it myself if I hadn’t published it on this powerhouse of a blog.  But Crane, you might be asking, how much did you win?  That’s the absolute best part.  Not a fucking dime, because I was in New Orleans spending every last dollar to my name, and several dollars belonging to other names (thanks fellas).  Honestly, I’m not even mad, because this is about much more than money. This is about glory.  Oh, who am I kidding, everything is about money, and I’m back in this weekend … meaning, obviously, do NOT follow my picks, because I’m probably going 1-15 (already won on the Donkeys).

TEASE OF THE WEEK:

If you listened last week and teased the Broncos & Packers, you’re welcome.  This weekend, tease the Rams & Dolphins every which way from Sunday.  If you’re feeling frisky, toss in the Ravens.

On to the picks.  Again, all lines from Sportsbook.com as of noon PST on Friday.

Denver (+3) over THE CHEFS

Presented without comment:

https://twitter.com/TheCauldron/status/644710139497435136?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/JonathonKamuf/status/644744546975416320?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Ok, one tiny comment. Von Miller is an angel.

CAROLINA (-3) over Houston

Mallett – Hoyer is like the Ali – Frazier of our generation, only the exact fucking opposite. This is the definition of a battle of attrition.  Just look at him. Would you want this dude as your QB? He looks like he just came from the casting call of ‘To Catch A Predator’.

Tampa Bay (+10) over NEW ORLEANS

As excited as I was to go 13-3 last week, I was equally devastated by the Tampa Bay dumpster fire that erupted after I picked them to be the fantasy darlings of the year.  Doug Martin, come back to us. Please. I need you. America needs you. Oh, and New Orleans is trash, they’re not covering 10.

San Francisco (+6.5) over PITTSBURGH

Thought experiment: immediately text all of your 49er fan friends and ask them how they feel about Kaepernick.  I’ve never met a group of fans who completely loathe their QB – A GOOD QB – so much. It’s insane.  And that’s coming from a guy who had to back Jay Cutler for several seasons.  In their defense, he wears shit like this. 7torms coming.

Detroit (+2.5) over VIKINGS

Just argued with two buddies at work trying to tell me the Vikings were good.  They got absolutely ball-gagged on national TV last Monday. Berman and Dilfer had just finished up talking about how accurate ol’ Teddy Ballgame was, when he promptly sailed about seven straight passes out of bounds, and couldn’t get a hail mary to the end zone from 40 yards out. They’re terrible.  Conversely: I think the Lions are terrible too. Stay away.

New England**** (-1.5) over BILLS

In one short episode, South Park went in on Tom Brady, the Pats, Roger Goodell, the NFL, Caitlyn Jenner and Jared from Subway. Just a standing ovation all around.

Here’s what I wrote about the Bills and the immortal Tyrod Taylor last week: “I know, I know, I know. This pick loos like it’s short a chromosome. HOWEVER, it would just be classic Buffalo to surprise a pre-season Super Bowl favorite early in the year, look like a sneaky contender, get all the obese locals all fired up, and then storm their way to another 7-9 season.” They then went out and beat the breaks off of Indy. You know what? I think they have a few more weeks before that impending losing streak. Fuck it.

BILLS (+1.5) over New England****

Hit it Boomer.

Arizona (-1.5) over CHICAGO

I have a feeling I’m going to hate this pick almost as much as I hate Jay Cutler. Almost.

Tennessee (-1.5) over CLEVELAND 

I posted this earlier in the week, but it’s just too damn good.  It’s a well known fact that the most fun a human can have in life is ‘Shout’ at a wedding. Look it up. Couple that with my borderline unhealthy Nike fetish, and this was probably the best five minutes of my week. Stick around for the credits.

BENGALS (-3.5) over San Diego

Fun fact: I work in San Diego and am in a fantasy league with a bunch of Charger fans. My team name is the LA Chargers. That’s a little something I like to call psychological warfare.

St. Louis (-4) over THE PROFESSIONAL WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM

When media outlets are all doing stories about how much your fans hate your team, you’re in trouble. Washington is atrocious. Take out a second mortgage and lay it on the Rams.

GIANTS (-2) over Falcons

I’ve changed this pick so many times I honestly have no idea. When in doubt, take the home team.

Baltimore (-6.5) over OAKLAND

It’s been 12, count them 12 long years since the Raiders have had a winning season. Will they make it a baker’s dozen this year? Of course they will! They’ve stunk for so long, I don’t even really dislike them anymore. I just feel bad for them. Gotta love the irony of them signing Aldon Smith after his fifth arrest since 2012. Just win baby.

Miami (-6.5) over JACKSONVILLE

In order to trick their fans into paying to come watch them lose, Jacksonville built a vegas-style pool into their stadium where fans can literally drown their sorrows. Just curious if the clientele is more of the Cletus / ponytail / red wife-beater mope in the background there or the hotties in the pool. I have my suspicions.  Florida is the worst.

EAGLES (-5.5) over Dallas 

I went against my number one rule (both in gambling and in life) and changed my initial reaction. With Dez, this is probably Philly -3. Is Dez worth 2.5 points?  I say yes. Yet, I hate the shit out of this pick.

GREEN BAY (-3.5) over Seattle

Last week, I picked Seattle over Green Bay for the NFC Championship this season.  This week?  Me trying to be smart: Seattle really misses Kam Chancellor, Earl Thomas is still banged up, Russell Wilson believes in concussion-preventing water and is against pre-marital sex. Me being honest: fuck Seattle.

INDY (-7) over Jets

Andrew the Giant snaps back to life and we all remember that the Jets are the Jets.

Last Week: 13 – 3 – 0

Season: 13 – 3 – 0

I love absolutely everything about football season. I’m also a compulsive gambler.  I’ve been picking almost every game for the last few years anyway, now I’ve just decided to put it out into the public sphere so you can all mock me. My first real gambling season was  2010, when I rode the 9ers & Packers all season, fell in love with parlays and turned a $100 buy-in into almost $3,000.  This is way too easy, I thought.  I’m such a sucker. Since then, I think I’m down four or five million (approximately), and I’ve tried to swear off parlays so many times I feel like I need a support group.  But you know what?  I don’t even care. There’s nothing like riding your morning winnings & laying down a 3-game tease on the afternoon games (more likely: chasing your early losses, whatever) on your way to Sunday glory.  It makes every game more fun.  I love and hate it so very, very much.

A few random thoughts before the picks:

My Super Bowl prediction: Denver over Seattle (would’ve been Den over GB with a healthy Jordy). Related: I’m a ridiculous homer who has an incredibly difficult time following my head instead of my heart.  Does it matter that our 39-year-old QB admitted to having no feeling in the tips of all the fingers on his throwing hand?  Of course not. Those ducks might not be pretty, but they somehow still get there.

If you listen to nothing else I say this week, just tease the Broncos & Packers and thank me later.

Is there anything better than listening to girlfriends / wives complain that ‘you watched football last Sunday’ and then explaining to them that you’ll be doing this every Sunday during football season for the rest of your life … Mondays too … and most Thursdays … and Saturdays when there’s a good college game on?  I say no.

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Football is back, and it’s beautiful. On to the picks (all lines from Sportsbook.com) …

NEW ENGLAND**** (-7) over Pittsburgh

Picked this one yesterday, before making hundreds of cheating jokes & watching Pittsburgh have no idea who Rob Gronkowski was.

Before I get to my Brady rant, this might be my favorite fun fact of all time: last night has to be the first time opposing teams faced off with suspended players who are out because they got caught smoking weed together. Le’veon Bell & LeGarrette Blount everybody. Take a bow.

On to Tom. Let’s review some of the highlights of the Luckiest Man Alive. To save space, we’ll start with his pro career and skip the years he probably slept with all of his friends girlfriends in high school and college. Drafted in the 6th round, he seemed destined to enjoy the leisurely life of an NFL backup QB.  You know, get to be a millionaire for practicing a lot and generally not doing shit. Then, the All-Pro in front of him gets hurt, he gets thrust into action for a ridiculously good team that was just kicking off its run of the most successful cheating system this side of Tiger Woods.  One still unexplainable Tuck Rule later, he wins a Super Bowl and inherits a dynasty.  Now he has four Super Bowls, and he’s debatably the best quarterback of all time.  That’s just football. Let’s check his personal life. Dude was dating a Hollywood starlet, and then dumped her when she was PREGNANT for the hottest supermodel in the entire fucking world. Pregnant. For a Brazilian supermodel. America’s response? ‘Meh, he’s got an adorable chin.’  So this year he finally gets his comeuppance in the form of a four-game suspension. And gets it overturned in federal court. I swear to god, he was the Dalai Lama in a past life. He also got away with this:

I hate you Tom Brady, but goddamn do I respect you.

Green Bay (-7) over CHICAGO

In two games against Da Bears last season, ARod tossed for 617 yards and 10 TDs. However – Rodgers is my starting QB in both of my fantasy leagues, so it’s just as likely that he’s the NFL’s first ever on-field death this season. Proceed with caution.

Kansas City (+1) over HOUSTON

Only chance Houston has at being any good this season is if JJ Watt employs the vaunted Nelson Muntz offense and plays every position on the field while throwing touchdowns to himself. I wouldn’t put it past him, he really might be the baddest fucker on the planet.

JETS (-3) over Browns

Can’t wait to take a beer / bathroom break on Sunday every time this nail-biter comes up on RedZone.

BUFFALO (+3) over Indy

I know, I know, I know. This pick loos like it’s short a chromosome. HOWEVER, it would just be classic Buffalo to surprise a pre-season Super Bowl favorite early in the year, look like a sneaky contender, get all the obese locals all fired up, and then storm their way to another 7-9 season. Hit it Boomer:

Miami (-4) over THE WASHINGTON PRO FOOTBALL TEAM

One time in high school, a buddy of ours who was having a really bad football season, went out of a game with a ‘concussion’ after a football bounced off a punt and hit him in the helmet. That’s 100% what happened to RG3 in the pre-season.  I don’t care what ‘professionals’ or ‘reality’ says, I’m still all-in. I saw Black Jesus in person against the Giants during his rookie season, and there’s no way that dude is worse than Colt McCoy. I want the Broncos to sign him when he gets cut sooooo bad. He was made for a Kubiak bootleg.

Carolina (-3.5) over JACKSONVILLE

Carolina rolls over the Jags, or as the rest of the league lovingly refers to them, The Bye Weeks. Unrelated: wanna know my favorite Cam Newton highlight?  Von Miller is the greatest.

ST. LOUIS (+4.5) over Seattle

Now that the 49ers suck, I think I dislike the NFC West more than any other division in football. They’re like the SEC of the NFL. A bunch of insufferable assholes with superiority complexes, great defenses, and shit offenses.  Oh yeah, Russell Wilson drinks water that prevents concussions, so there’s that. Seattle still wins though.

New Orleans (+2.5) over ARIZONA

Arizona is once again the winner of the Team That Sucks & Has A Ton Of Fantasy Implications award. New Orleans will continue to be loathed by everyone who got suckered into thinking they’re going to run the ball. Question: why do all Alabama running backs suck in the NFL?  They’re like the Duke of football. Weird.

SAN DIEGO (-3) over Detroit

God I hate Phil Rivers.

TAMPA BAY (-3) over Titans

All-in on Doug Martin. All-in on Mike Evans. All-in on Vinny Jackson. All-in on Famous Jameis. All-in on Doug Martin a 2nd time (contract yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear). All-in on the Bucs going 5-11 but being the fantasy darlings of America’s heart.

Bengals (-3.5) over OAKLAND

I’m not even close to kidding when I say the only thing I know about either of these teams is that AJ Green plays for one of them.

DENVER (-5) over Baltimore

We could beat Baltimore by 100 points every time we play them for the next 100 years, and unless every single one of those happened in the playoffs, I still wouldn’t be over the Rahim Moore game. Up 7, :44 seconds, 70 yards, *sigh*. I think we win by 20, but still … that game was like getting dumped, fired, and diagnosed with swine flu all at once.

GIANTS (+6) over Cowboys

Three of my buddies from my longtime fantasy league were drafting at my house, and none of them could figure out why Odell Beckham Jr. was ranked so high. Well here, let me show you:

OBJ is the Steph Curry of the NFL. I’d pay just to watch him warm-up.

Eagles (-3) over FALCONS

Over / under on weeks until Sam Bradford’s ACL’s implode upon themselves: 2.5. Until then, ride the Eagles.

49ERS (+2.5) over Vikings

I hope Navorro Bowman hides a switch in his pants, tackles AP, then whips him in the nuts with it.  Karma is a bitch.

Season: 0 – 0 – 0

I was born in the 80s and grew up a football fan in Colorado. As such, I fell in love with the CU teams of the 90s that dominated the Big 8, won a national championship, went toe-to-toe with the Nebraska dynasty, gave us 62-36:

and brought us this magical moment in time:

Kordell Stewart for life, man. I promise you, I’m not making this up. We used to be good.  Sigh. We have now had nine, count them NINE, consecutive losing seasons, and it hurts my heart. It really does.  For the last few years, I’ve just stopped caring. Sure, I like to watch us play, and I want us to win, but losing really has no effect on me one way or another. When you expect to lose, that’s what happens to you. You stop giving a shit.

So let’s go back two years. Stuck in this decade of mediocrity, we hire on rebuilder de jour Mike Macintyre to salvage this already sunken Titanic. His rep goes as such: first season stuck with previous regime’s players & culture – wash; 2nd season with healthy mixture of the two – slight improvement; 3rd season with his guys, bought into his system – eureka! Now, I’ve spent the entire offseason not believing in a wink of this. Until this week. Then, I started reading blogs (unrelated: goddamn you internet), staying up on CU media Twitter, talking to friends. Sure, we were 2 – 10 last year, but we lost SIX GAMES by 10 points or less. Two of those in DOUBLE OT! We also finally raised enough money to open up new facilities that might let us compete in recruiting real talent, while also figuring out (in 2015, mind you) that it may make sense to have an indoor practice facility. You know, because we live in the mountains.

http://www.ralphiereport.com/videos/2014/4/14/5611642/fly-through-upcoming-colorado-buffaloes-facilities-upgrades

On top of all of that, I really WANT to have a team to root for again.  I work with a bunch of self-entitled SEC assholes that can barely read and never shut the fuck up. I need this. So, I’ve decided to suck up the 10pm kick time & watch my boys storm the field. We’re 7-pt favorites against the immortal Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. You’ve got to start somewhere. Fuck ’em up, fuck ’em up, GO CU.

—

To summarize this matchup: we have Nike jerseys with silver helmets, and they’re hard as nails. The Rainbow Warriors are wearing Under Armour and are about to get ball-gagged. (see? I’m not only drinking the Kool-aid, I’m straight shotgunning it.)

Buffs ball. Here we go. Let’s put up 7 and show the rest of the PAC-12 we mean business.  Three & out. All good. It’s a 1am EST kickoff. Has to be some nerves. We’re still good. Blocked punt. Shit. Still good. Hawaii touchdown. Ok. Two point conversion. That’s just dick. Fuck. 8 – 0 The Immortal Rainbow Warriors. That escalated quickly.

Next possession. Time to shine. Show these men of will what will is really made of. Sacked on the first snap. Ok. Three and out. Damnit.

So, announcer (and yes, they’ll both be referred to as ‘announcer’ from here on out. 1am EST team doesn’t get name-dropped) hits us with this gem: ‘CU trying to improve on one of the worst defenses in the country last year.’ Word. So we obviously make him eat his words & get a pick. Never mind, pass interference, because, of course. Shit.  I’m sensing a trend here.  But still, those silver unis are clean.

Nice little piece by CBS telling us that Hawaii’s ginger QB who’s making us look ridiculous used to start for USC. Of course he did. That probably means he was at least a 4-star recruit once upon a time. Just look at this dude. He looks like he was born to kill babies and throw touchdowns.

You know how many 4-star recruits CU has? Negative seven. I’m not kidding.

Sidenote #1: there may be nothing I enjoy / lose my shit about in life more than a sports announcer stating his opinion on a play that BLATANTLY goes against the slow-mo replay everyone watching at home sees & knows this dummy is watching in his booth. Just the best.

So, I had another pessimistic sentence ready to roll right here. Something about how I’ve had several cocktails, it’s 11:00pm, we needed a sketchy replay to get our only first down and their coach looks stoned … and then ol’ baby killing ginger throws a pick, and we get 1st & 10 on the HI 30.  Something doin’! Aaaaaaaand, we throw a pick right back. On cue, text from a fellow Buff: ‘Duck me.’ ‘Our defenders look like D3 players.’ So, we’re drunk AND we’ve lost hope. With 12:30 left in the 2nd. Return to dominance. But I mean, those jerseys though.

So, literally can’t make this up. After we toss the pick, we get what looks to be a surefire safety. Somehow, the refs decide they got out of the endzone, and we force them to punt from their own 1. They punt, it bounces roughly 10 yards ahead of our deep man … just STAY THE FUCK AWAY. Cool. NO. Does he try to field it in the middle of roughly 17 Rainbow Warriors? Of course he does. Does he fumble it away? Of course he does.  But you know who’s not upset? This hero:

For the record, that’s a giant foam CU cowboy hat, black & gold overalls, and two shaka-brahs.

Then, as if to just prove that karma is a thing and I’m a dick for being so negative, we get a pick and score a touchdown two plays later. I just re-read the above. You’d think we just had an on-field death, yet we’re only down 8-7. Not sure if that’s more of an indictment on us or them.  Of course the only player on our team who has done anything positive is related to the only good coach we’ve ever had. Sports, man.

Sidenote #2: can’t even lie, I just got way more excited for the A$AP Samsung commercial than I did for any moment of this game. At.Long.Last.A$AP. Hit it.

I swear to god, I might not survive this night. I’m on the most pessimistic group thread this world has ever seen, and it has just started to turn our way. Screams of ‘high school level’ have turned into ‘Liufau looks frisky’, and like that … Hawaii’s ginger dynamo throws a 79-yard TD. HI 15 – 7 CU. But, I’m saying, even when we’re falling down & missing peewee-level tackles, those jerseys though.

I guess I just won’t sleep tonight. CU just took it, put together a helluva drive and punched it in. HI 15 – 14 CU. I’ve declared victory and admitted defeat roughly 20 times each already. Fresh glass of bourbon? Sure. Might even forget about the ice cream sammy I just ate and take down the one I bought the roommate. Before you think about judging me, just look at Red’s happy ass. He’s fucking antagonizing me.

Sidenote #3: confirmed with three different friends, and I can’t stand how this announcer says Hawaii, especially given he’s obviously the opie of this all-star team. We get it, you ate some pineapple, had some BBQ, you’re culturally sensitive & a citizen of the world. Just say it like the rest of us.

Back to the game. CU driving, and gets 3rd & 2 on the HI 40 with roughly a buck and half before the half. Announcing all-stars let us know that CU is 4 for 4 on 3rd downs tonight when less than 4 yards. You’ll never believe this, but we fumbled. Sonofabitch.

That’s two dogshit PI calls that have gone against us that this crack team of analysts has failed to acknowledge. ‘There’s no faceguarding in college’ he says, right as the slow-mo shows Witherspoon get there exactly on time with the ball. Trust me, the refs do NOT need to help these dudes. We’ll fuck it up ourselves. As we go to the half, it’s HI 18 – 14 CU.

Summary of that immaculate display of football superiority these two contenders put on in the first half:

Alright, we kick to start the 2nd and I’ve made a promise to myself – stay positive. So far, so good. We force a 3 & out to start. It’s 12:19am here, and I’m sticking to water until something bad happens. This is the latest my old ass has stayed up in weeks.

Nice little drive here by CU. On a serious note, Philip Lindsay is legit. I like him even more finding out that he’s from Aurora. And despite my negativity, I love Liufau. He gets put in shit situation after shit situation, and just stands in there and takes it. Dude’s tough as nails. Watch him break out the truck stick here:

Field goal good, and we trail by 1. HI 18 – 17 CU. I’m tired. But seriously, our jerseys look good.

Another 3 & out by Hawaii, and my original fear has turned into understanding as to why USC let this baby-killing ginger walk. He’s not good. 7:55 left in the 3rd, Buffs ball. *knocks furiously on coffee table*

It’d probably be great, not just for my state of mind but for my sobriety, if they could stop bringing up the fact that we’ve had 9 straight losing seasons. I have to go to work tomorrow.

Damn. 4:37 left in the 3rd. We sack up and go for it on 4th & 3. Don’t get it. I don’t care what this Bill Walton wannabe says, I love that call. Let’s hope ex-USC ginger doesn’t find his mojo. And did you see our jerseys?

Both teams look extremely anemic now, and are trading sad possession for sad possession. I’ve taken the opportunity to go back and write the intro.  Our offense looks tired and confused, and Hawaii just punched in another TD. Start of 4th, HI 25 – 17 CU. My roommate is asleep on the couch, and I just brushed my teeth so that I wouldn’t pour another bourbon. The Rainbows are marching and just kicked another field goal. HI 28 – 17 CU. I’m losing my zest here. If we don’t score on the next possession, sleep it shall be. I’ll have to recap our epic comeback by reading the stories from real journalists in the morning.  Punt. Goodnight.

—

*Wakes up.* *Checks ESPN.* *Hungover, can’t read.* *28-20.* *fuck.*

Sadly, there would be no comeback in the aloha state, proving to the 25 people in attendance and dozens watching on TV that we are, in fact, back!  You could say we only lost by 8 and showed some grit. But I’m a compulsive gambler, so I’d add in the 7, call it 15, and tell you you’re dumb.  The good news? We’re in the PAC-12, which is armed to the teeth and widely considered the best conference in America. Time for another ‘just hope we beat CSU to save face’ season.

The bad news? After sleeping on it, I think I hate those fucking jerseys. At least I didn’t eat the 2nd ice cream sammy. I feel so alone.

The Yellow King for life.

Have you ever vigorously defended someone or something, only to be supremely let down?  Maybe you’ve had a friend who had all the potential in the world – intelligence, pedigree, stunning good looks – only he/she turned out to be a perpetual disappointment?  Perhaps it was even bad enough to where you kept finding ways to spin these colossal disappointments into some sort of positive?

‘I know he shit the bed, but I’m telling you … it was to throw you off the scent. He’s about to blow your mind, just watch.’

It’s as if you offered up your professional integrity to get a friend a job, only that friend turned out to have the work ethic of You, Me & Dupree, pre seven different kinds of smoke part of the movie. Not a clydesdale.

https://vimeo.com/59121214

Now?  Now you just look like an asshole.  That’s me after season two of True Detective. I stuck up for that show all the way to the finale.  Suffering through those ridiculous final 90 minutes was just the final straw. To my friends who I’ve argued the merits of this show with over the last eight weeks, I can only apologize. I’m ashamed.

To properly understand my (and society’s, it would seem) astonishing level of let-down, we need to go back to the end of season one, when Marty Hart & Rust Cohle were wooing America’s collective heart with tales of time as a flat circle, Lonestar tin men & six-minute, one-camera, meth-fueled shots of glory:

Remember Monday’s after each episode last season?  Discussing all the bullshit conspiracy theories like the Four Horseman? The McConaissance? Carcosa? Reggie Ledoux? Marty Hart’s wife? Marty Hart’s affinity for sex with women who weren’t his wife?  Not having to read articles to explain what in the fuck had happened the night before?  It was maybe my favorite season of television since John Lithgow exploded my brain as the Trinity Killer on Dexter.

That brings us to when casting for season two started to leak, where my affection for the cast combined with the perfection of season one effectively turned me into the HBO version of the Star Wars fanboys who dress like Ewoks on Saturday nights.

Colin Farrell?  I don’t care that his IMDB reads like a Stephen King horror novel.  He’s Irish, loves to party, put out a sextape with this girl, and apparently skirted a murder charge by way of an ‘I was doing ecstasy’ alibi. He’s an inspiration, all-in.

Rachel McAdams?  You mean to tell me that Regina George signed on for an HBO show in which she’ll most likely kill someone and possibly get naked? Please, tell me more. All-in.

Vince Vaughn?  Trent? Playing his first bad guy since he was a creepy stepdad murderer opposite John Travolta in the Oscar-winning Domestic Disturbance? Our little baby is all growns up. All-in.

Then, as if my True Detective lady boner wasn’t already at may-need-to-call-a-doctor-if-it-doesn’t-go-down levels, they came with the MVP of this moviestar Mt. Rushmore: the immortal Tim Riggins.  You mean clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose Tim Riggins? You mean my best friend was just paralyzed in a freak accident, is in the hospital, yet I’m going to sleep with his girlfriend and still make you love my character Tim Riggins? Come on. Riggins is an angel. All-in.

just look at that face.

So this all brings us to season two, episode one, and what sadly turned out to be the best part of the show: the intro.

Remember when I mentioned talking yourself out of disappointment by focusing on tiny positives that in actuality really weren’t that positive?  That was me during the intro every Sunday night.  Given, it was usually after several beverages, but still. I was just lying to myself.  Just give whoever edited that thing his Emmy now.  He hoodwinked the entire country, every friggen week.

These are just some random thoughts, observations, and lingering questions I have, in no particular order.  Apologies if you’re not a fan of profuse profanity. In my defense, this show earned it.

• Four-way tie for my favorite part of the season:
  • Ray defending his kid from a bully while simultaneously calling him a ‘fat pussy’. Real talk, that’s just good parenting.
  • This emotional roller coaster of a scene
  • Ani taking molly that somehow turned into a PTSD peyote trip.  From what I’m told, not sure that’s how it works.
  • Ray deciding to go urban cowboy while trying to NOT be seen. Maybe my favorite part of the entire season. Literally laughed out loud during this scene, drawing looks of disapproval from all those watching with me.

    • 

      urban cowboy.

• Ray was from Southern California, right?  Why was he trying to earn the Christian Bale memorial award for worst accent in a drama? It also got progressively more gravely throughout the season, despite the fact he stopped drinking. Odd.
• Does Burris still have the blue diamonds?  Who the hell has the blue diamonds?
• Half of the season was centered around finding this hard drive, and now you tell us the hard drive was erased anyway?  Lazy.
• Speaking of the hard drive … we find out it was the brother that rocked the crow mask and only hit Ray with riot shells. Why wouldn’t he just kill him? He had just burned out a dude’s eyes with acid, and then shot his genitals off – but now he’s going to pack riot shells? Lazy.
• After spending half the season saying he doesn’t want to be a mobster, and only intimating at his past and never showing him carry anything larger than a pistol – our man Frank turns up with Rambo’s duffel bag? Then takes out the entire Russian mafia with the help of Ray and Ray’s man-bun (unrelated: GTFOH, every dude with a man bun)? Huh? Lazy.
• Speaking of Frank … you’re going to kill off one of our four main characters by bringing back the never-made-sense-anyway cartel storyline?  And when it looks like he’s going to get off with just a thirsty hike back to town, he refuses to give up his suit & THAT’S what gets him shanked in the ribs? Really? Lazy.
• While we’re still on Frank … was Jordan hot? I think you ask 10 people, you probably get a 50/50 split.  A quick Google image search brings up several convincing arguments for each side. I’m going no, if only because her face combined with the fact that she looks like she would stab you in your sleep gives me the heebie-jeebies.
• So, Ray’s finally found a reason to live in his equally damaged soulmate Ani. Yet, when he finds that someone has now placed a transponder on his car and could possibly thwart both of their escape plans, he spends all of five seconds trying to pop it off with his hand. Darn it, no luck. So he got his knife out, but decided ‘nah’. Then, on the phone with Ani, he claims he could lose his tail ‘with a tricycle’. Dope, I’m thinking. He’s motivated, he’s in his new Charger (product placement, yay), he’s got dough, so here comes the epic car chase, right? Nope. He drives it straight into the forest, because, you know … if you’re in a high speed car chase, the best thing to do is go PARK IN THE FUCKING FOREST AND HIDE BEHIND SOME TREES.  Turns out, it’s Blackwater or whoever they are that were written into episode seven because Pizzolatto ran out of ideas, and they’re armed to the teeth. But our hero Ray is game. For a minute, it looks like he might be the Vinci version of Django Unchained, but then he just inexplicably gives up.  At least let him go out in a blaze of glory.  Confusing all-around. Lazy.
• Speaking of Ray … did we really need that last kick to the dick of him being Chad’s real dad? Then the final Rosemary’s baby plot with him & Ani? So unnecessary.
• Totally random and unimportant, but assuming he doesn’t die and Ani’s sexual deviancy makes its way over to Jordan, Nails could be one lucky dude. Also – great mobster name, Nails. Good job by him.
• Finally, and most importantly, I’ve read every single recap / explanation / theory exposing article about this show that the internet has to offer, and nobody can answer this question: HOW IN THE FUCK DID BURRIS KNOW WHICH DOOR TO WAIT BEHIND TO SHOOT PAULY? HE WAS ESCAPING FROM A LABYRINTH OF UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS!!!!!!! RIP Riggins, you sweet, sweet man. This world didn’t deserve you.

True Detective season two can get all the way the fuck outta here. Can’t wait for season three.

It’s been three days since the draft, but due in no small part to the project-Euro-center brain trauma the Nuggets inflicted on me, it took some time to process.  Thursday was a crazy, crazy day for Denver fans.  Before we evaluate the chaos of the day, we should preface with my feelings (and somewhat less important, the team’s needs) leading up to it.  Last year was a foregone conclusion.  We were going to suck, the only question was how much.  Coming off another Groundhog’s Day 50-win season & 1st round exit, we fired George Karl (thank god), lost that traitor Andre Iguodala, lost Gallo (lynchpin to our entire offense) for the full season, then signed that hobbit / defensive dynamo Nate Robinson.  We had as much of a shot at the playoffs as my rec-league team.  So with a loaded 2014 draft, I did the reprehensible, buried myself in high school YouTube mixtapes, and prayed we would tank.  As the logic goes, it’s MUCH better to completely bottom out than to be average and almost compete.  I went from watching damn near every game to simply checking box scores (in my defense – extremely difficult to watch Nuggs games on the West Coast with a job & a girlfriend).  In true Nuggets fashion, however, we played juuuust well enough to land the 11th seed.  In this draft though, that’s a pretty valuable pick – so hold that thought.

In the weeks leading up to the draft, word leaked that we’re trying to land Kevin Love – something I suggested we may try two weeks before it came out.

I was only slightly off. The offer was Chandler & Faried + Afflalo, who we’d somehow get in a trade.  I’d obviously rather find a way to keep Faried – like Chandler / Afflalo + the 11th, but screw it – a lineup of Ty, Shooting Guard X, Gallo, Love, Mozgov was pretty sexy. Championship? Come on.  But probably back to 50 wins, and fun to watch again. So on draft day, when we swung Afflalo for Fournier & a pick, then ESPN reported we’d been on the phone with Minnesota all day, I turned 50 shades of Nuggets blue.  Denver and new GM Tim Connelly wouldn’t stop wheeling and dealing the rest of the evening.  It was captivating stuff.  This brings us to our grades for the day – broken down by each move.

TRADE: EVAN FOURNIER + 2ND ROUND PICK (56TH) FOR ARRON AFFLALO

Grade: U (unfinished)

This grade is entirely dependent on the final outcome of our (most likely futile) Love pursuits.  If we complete the trade, then somehow pull off a miracle and convince Love to sign longterm? He gets one of those free As that North Carolina gave Rashad McCants.  More likely though, he stays, and the grade gets a little murkier.  You can’t just evaluate the player here. You have to look at need, position and long term implications.  The Nuggets were desperate for a shooting guard, which also happens to be the weakest position in the L.  No matter who you ask, Afflalo falls somewhere in the top 10 SGs in the NBA (and the top half of that list has a collective age of 1,000).  He’ll never be a superstar, but he’s consistent, actually plays defense, shoots 43% from range, and most importantly, isn’t Nate Robinson.  His deal also expires next year, so we’re essentially renting him for one season.  If it works out, great. If not, great guy to teach Gary Harris the breaks of the game.  He also gets bonus points for being homies with Kendrick Lamar, who used to be jealous of Arron Afflalo, he was the one to follow.  Now let’s watch him beat up on grandpa Kobe. #blackboyfly

11th PICK: DOUG MCDERMOTT

Grade: A-

Hell yeah, love it. Love it, love it, love it.  If the Spurs proved anything, it’s that you can never have enough shooters.  I wasn’t alone.

Seriously, look at that guy’s face above.  That was me.  No idea if McBuckets will pan out or not, but the fantasy of having a white dude raining fireballs all over the court was awesome.  Obviously, the Nuggets traded him.  Happy trails my sweet McBuckets, we hardly knew thee.  Good news is we got back both the 16th & 19th picks from Chicago.  This being the deepest draft since the Ice Age and all, my optimism remained.  We could swing Gary Harris, James Young, Mitch McGary – SO MANY OPTIONS.  I love the fucking draft.

16th PICK: JUSUF NURKIC

Grade: I hate the fucking draft.

If your first thought was, ‘who the fuck is Jusuf Nurkic’, well my friend, you’re not alone. ESPN analyst Fran Fraschilla, and I quote: “Does NOT play above the rim, has a bit of WWE in him, but has excellent feet.”  This was right before old Hodor shook Adam Silver’s hand and threw up the tight butthole sign.

So we drafted a 6’11”, 280lb project Euro center who can’t jump, can’t shoot, either has an attitude problem or likes to hit people with metal chairs (or the latter because of the former), but has the feet of a ballerina. Wonderful. Goddamnit Denver.  He doesn’t even fit the big white Euro profile.  Again, HE CAN’T SHOOT!  What’s the best case here?  Big Country Bryant Reeves?  How management, and more specifically – OUR MANAGEMENT – think they can do this to their fans is absolutely

The Nuggets blogging community had a collective meltdown on Twitter, and with good reason.  We all suffer from NBA Draft PTSD.  Follow me, if you will, down the boulevard of broken dreams:

1996: Efthimios Rentzias – 23rd pick, 35 games played (next pick: Derek Fisher)

Probably defensible at the time, I can’t recall – I was 12. But that’s 35 games played total. For his career.  Couple that with the unkillable Derek Fisher, and it’s not so defensible anymore.

1998: Raef Lafrentz – 3rd pick (picked after: Antawn Jamison (4), Vince Carter (5), Dirk Nowitzki (9), Paul Pierce (10))

This one I remember.  It was miserable.  Lafrentz & Pierce were, of course, teammates at Kansas.  To continue the wrestling analogy, Denver saw The Rockers and went all-in on Marty Jannetty. Jannetty! We chose JANNETTY! Pierce turned out to be Shawn Michaels (shocker) and Nuggets fans got our heads put through Brutus the Beefcake’s metaphorical barbershop window. If you’re counting at home, we took Raef in front of THREE HALL OF FAMERS!!!

2000: Mamadou N’Diaye – 26th pick, 69 games played (picked later: Mark Madsen!!) 

Just kidding about the Mad Dog part. Kind of.

2002: The Immortal Nikolas Tskitishvili – 5th pick (picked after: Amar’e Stoudemire (9), Caron Butler (10), Tayshaun Prince (23), Carlos Boozer’s Hairline (35))

Remember those picks earlier?  They’re nothing. They’re nothing man.  This pick right here?  THIS PICK RIGHT HERE!? It’s death.  This is the reason any Nuggets fan I know will never, ever, support a pick of an unknown project center with amazing ‘upside’.  Tskitishvili is pretty much the worst thing you can say to me.  He has a -.039 career win share percentage.  That means that for every 48 minutes he was on the court, his team lost .039 games.  I’m pretty sure that’s impossible.

All of this is precisely why I face-palmed myself when I heard the words ‘Jusuf Nurkic’.  Names still on the board?  James Young, Tyler Ennis, Gary Harris, Mitch McGary, Jordan Adams, Rodney Hood, Shabazz Napier … the list goes on. Again,  inconceivable.

Now, to be fair, some people that know much more about the NBA than me thought this was a great pick.

Denver’s own idiot curmudgeon, Mark Kizla, labeled him, ‘the Shaquille O’Neal of the Adriatic League, for what that’s worth.’ I’m way too jaded, it’s not worth much.  The ‘experts’ ran out of any actual info on the kid, so they started talking about his 400lb dad, who is still waiting in the parking lot for Shooter McGavin.

Just what that has to do with this kid being a good center, I have no idea.  Look, I obviously hope I’m wrong.  I really, really, REALLY do.  I just wish we would’ve taken someone who played more than 14 minutes a game in the Adriatic JV league last year.  I spent some time with this video, and came away extremely underwhelmed. Knock yourself out.

19th PICK: GARY HARRIS

Grade: A-

Love, love, love this pick.  Well done.  I was having a total fit on Twitter leading up to it, screaming to anyone who would listen that we should’ve drafted Harris at 16.  Hell, I would’ve been happy if we took him at 11.  Harris was universally ranked as the 2nd best SG in the draft behind Andrew Wiggins, with Jay Bilas ranking him 11th overall, and Chad Ford labeling him a ‘lock’ for the first 14.  Give the Nuggs a ton of credit here – as Chris Dempsey of the Denver Post pointed out,  getting Harris at 19, as opposed to 11 or 16, saved us more than $2MM in salary cap.  Like we addressed in our Afflalo discussion, this also fulfilled the Nuggets desperation for quality shooting guards.  Harris is, by all accounts, a great kid with an incredible basketball IQ. He can shoot (his 3pt % did fall from 41% to 37% last year, but he was also hurt, so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt) and more importantly, defend multiple positions. We won’t need him to be a go-to scorer for a few years, so he can spot up in the corners and lock down the bigger guards on D. Also, don’t sleep on the fact that he is not Nate Robinson.  That could be huge. The only reason this pick is an A- and not a solid A is that I’m worried James Young (drafted 17th, one spot behind the Shaq of the Adriatic) may turn into a superstar.  Young has more upside, but is way riskier.  Harris isn’t going to be making many SportsCenter Top 10 segments, but he’s going to be solid and may turn out to be the steal of the draft.  I like him.

Overall Grade: B-

I’m trying here. I swear I am.  I really don’t want the Nurkipocalypse to cloud my judgement of an otherwise extremely productive day.  But it’s hard. Even when incredible progress was made, the Nuggets just couldn’t help being the Nuggets. Our salary cap is still a mess and we’re stuck with Javale & Nate, but I’m hopeful for the first time since Gallo blew out his knee before the 2013 playoffs. Bottom line is, we got better, and now have as many, if not more, young assets as any team in the league.  I love NBA free agency, especially when your team is active (it’s the summer, the hell else am I going to do, watch baseball?), and I expect the Nuggets to be involved in 90% of the rumors this year.  So what do I think happens?  The Love situation won’t settle until Melo & Lebron ink their deals, so we can keep living on a prayer until then.  More than likely though, he refuses to ever sign long-term here, and we take this squad into next season.  I couldn’t have been more excited when we landed Brian Shaw, so let’s see what he can do with a healthy (fingers crossed) roster of Ty, Afflalo, Gallo, Chandler, Faried, Mozgov, Harris, Brooks, Hickson, Pierre McGee, even our favorite troll doll Nate.  There’s a few real life NBA players in there.  Zach Lowe likes what we did, and so do I.  Too bad we’re in the West.  This team probably sleepwalks their way into a 3-seed in the East.  Bring on the Hodor era.

Spurs vs. Heat II.  Big 3 vs. Big 3. Duncan vs. Lebron.  Old Men vs Older Men.  Good vs. Evil.  Riverwalk vs. Implants.  Built vs. Bought (this one might actually be my favorite – check the brilliant billboard someone put up in SA).

There are literally fifty different story-lines circling these Finals, but the most common narrative is that last year’s matchup was the best in recent history, and us hoops fans are now lucky enough to see them run it back.  Personally, I’m giddy.  Yes, I was hoping I could watch Russell Westbrook wreak havoc like he had just met up with Jesse Pinkman, dunking on the entire world (see below), launching obnoxious 30 footers while KD watches helplessly, holstering his proverbial pistols and melting down social media on a nightly basis.

That was the dream (he really is the absolute greatest, anyone that says otherwise is dumb).  But this is probably better from a pure hoops (and general mental health) standpoint.  The best team in the world versus the best player in the world.

If you really want to know how this series is going to play out, all you have to do is take a look at Game 6 from last year.  As friend of the blog Bill Simmons points out (stop calling Bill, you can’t afford me), you can really just start in the last few minutes, as it was seconds away from achieving basketball perfection.  There was Tony Parker doing Tony Parker things, Lebron bricking & then nailing two humongous 3s, Popovich’s mind-boggling decision to bench Duncan for the final two defensive stands, Miami fans proving their mettle by hitting the exits before the comeback (then trying, and failing to get back in), the premature yellow tape around the court for the not-to-be champion Spurs, and then of course Jesus Shuttlesworth with one of the greatest shots you’ll ever see.  If you saw it, you know.  If not, I basically just did a half-ass job paraphrasing Simmons’ article.  But there’s a very key element that everyone seems to be forgetting here. A moment in time where Lebron stepped into his phone booth, came out and donkey punched the Spurs season into oblivion.  The key to the 2014 NBA Finals? Have a look at the :15 mark below, when Tim Duncan wakes the dragon.

Now, who I am I to judge one of the greatest basketball players to ever play, one of the richest and most powerful athletes alive, on the basis of his hairline?  Just an asshole with a  theory and a full head of hair, I suppose.  But I do know this – Mike wasn’t Mike until he embraced the bald.  He bore that cross so men like Lebron wouldn’t have to resort to measures like this (Ashley Nicole, wherever you are … #nailedit):

Up to that point in Game 6, with his season on the line, The King was playing like a peasant. But once he revealed his hairline to the world in all its receding glory?  He dropped 16 in the 4th, crashed Twitter, messed around, got a triple double.  So is the headband theory real?  I don’t know. He played with it all year and didn’t even win MVP – so you tell me.  All I know is that if I’m the Spurs, and I see LBJ come out sans-headband tonight, I’m taking my ball and I’m going home.

Fight poster credit goes to Yahoo. So badass.

Full disclosure: I’m a GoT uber nerd.  Read all the books.  Seen every episode.  Spent more days than is acceptable or even remotely respectable trolling my way around the never-ending rabbit hole that is The Song of Ice & Fire wiki.  I kid you not, don’t do it unless you have at least an hour to kill (or do, because it’s awesome).  Point is, I already know what’s going to happen and I’m still schoolgirl excited.  I promise not to spoil anything here, but just know that it will be epic.  We’ll use science to figure out the winner, based (obviously) on backstory, offense, defense, nickname, motivation, and sexuality.  This is the definitive guide to our generation’s Ali – Frazier, our LaRusso – Lawrence.

FIRST, HOW WE GOT HERE:

If you don’t know, then I probably hate you, and I doubt you’ll keep reading.  So I’ll assume anyone that’s gotten this far at least watches the show.  Tyrion, that crafty little bastard, again resorts to what just may be the greatest law ever – Trial by Combat.  The Westerosi judicial system seems to be a vague yet decent representation of due process here in the US.  Someone is accused of something, there is a trial, there is a judge (in this case, three judges), a verdict, and a sentence.  But there’s a catch.  Don’t like your sentence?  You, or a champion that will fight for you, gets to fight to the death with your accuser, or their champion. That’s awesome in so many ways, and I want it in my life, just sans that little death detail.  Girlfriend wants to watch Real Houswives during NBA Playoffs? Trial by combat.  Coworker with a dumb idea? Fuck your idea, trial by combat. The possibilities are endless.  ANYWAY, Cersei, of course, names tons-of-fun himself, Ser Gregor Clegane, aka The Mountain that Rides.  And just when we thought Tyrion would be ankle-biting with his battle-axe again, in steps Prince Oberyn Martell, aka The Red Viper. And now, for the hundreds in the Red Keep, and the thousands watching on HBO around the Seven Kingdoms, ladies and gentleman,

BACKSTORY

As he’s been around since season 1, we’ll start with The Mountain.  We don’t know a ton about him.  Head of House Clegane, older brother of the Hound, go-to raper / pillager for Tywin Lannister and all around good guy.  In the book, he’s 420lbs and 8 ft. tall (the strongman champion they got to play him on TV – the 3rd actor to play him –  is an ungodly 6′ 9″, 405lbs). As a child, he held his brother’s face against hot coals for playing with one of his toys. He is also rumored to have killed his father, sister and two wives.  Last time we saw him, he was chopping the head off his horse and trying to kill his brother.  Thug life.

The Red Viper is the younger brother of Prince Doran of Dorne, and the greatest television character since Avon Barksdale.  As a teenager, he was caught sleeping with the lover of a local Lord.  As he was of noble birth, he was challenged to a first-blood-only duel.  But after this duel, the Lord’s wounds got continually worse & eventually killed him, with everyone suspecting Oberyn of using a poisoned blade; thus the nickname.  Oberyn was exiled for a bit (aka he’s rich & went site-seeing), spending time studying more poison at the Citadel, then fighting and bedding his way around the world.  He’s universally feared, rumored to be bisexual, and has 8 bastard daughters called the Sand Snakes (apparently nicknames are just better in Dorne), all of which he cares for, raises, and teaches to fight.  Not exactly the norm in Westeros.  He was also very close with his sister, who we know was raped & murdered by the Mountain, on the orders of Tywin. He attempted to raise Dorne against the Lannisters, but failed, and has been out for vengeance ever since.

Edge: The Red Viper, by a mile

OFFENSE

Mountain strong, Mountain break things. Ser Gregor, ever the traditionalist, fights with a 6-ft broad sword.  Freakishly strong and extremely violent, he’s been known to chop other men completely in half with one blow. Though Bronn let us know that he was sneaky agile for a man his size, it would seem he’d lose points on mobility.  Think Bebop & Rocksteady – very definition of a big dumb animal, but if he gets his hands on you, you’re fooked.  The Viper, on the other hand, hails from the stick & move school of hard knocks.  He fights with an 8-ft spear, which history says he may or may not cover with poison, and apparently was trained in the slums of Shaolin (see my man going straight Bruce Lee at :28).

Sorry Oberyn, but only the strong survive.

Slight Edge: The Mountain.

DEFENSE

Pretty much the same as their offense, but I needed another category.  The Mountain is basically a Brinks truck with a beard.  Taken straight from our wiki friends, ‘In battle he wears the heaviest, thickest plate armor in the Seven Kingdoms. His armor is so heavy that no ordinary man would be able to move, let alone fight effectively while wearing it^[3], making him nigh-invincible in combat … ‘ He also carries a shield roughly the size of your garage.  Oberyn eschews the local affinity for heavy metal and runs with lightly armored leathers.  Think wide receiver pads; less is more.  He’s the Floyd Mayweather of the 7 Kingdoms.  I’d also argue that his alleged (ALLEGED) use of poison should count for defense points – like a medieval PED.

It pretty much blatantly contradicts my pick for offense, but history & Hollywood tell us big, strong & slow rarely wins.  You can’t hurt what you can’t hit.

Slight Edge: Viper

NICKNAME

‘The Mountain’, despite inherently making you think of very large things, sounds like a Coldplay song.  The type of song that takes you on the journey of a sad, sad man trying to overcome some metaphorical obstacle and makes you wanna take shots by yourself in the morning.  Sure, it could be a giant, freezing, unforgiving hell on earth where one goes to die, but the point remains.  The meaning is ambiguous.  But ‘The Red Viper’? Now THAT is a nickname.  There’s no splitting hairs there.  He came to kill you and sleep with your woman.

Edge: Viper

MOTIVATION

You’d think this one would be a draw.  That’s what you get when you fight to the death.  Think back to high school when you had to run from the cops at an underage drinking party – you never ran so fast in your life.  This is like that, times infinity.  But for the last 20 years, Oberyn has done nothing but think of ways to avenge his sister & her babies.  He doesn’t just want to kill the Mountain & the Lannisters, he wants to go to work on them with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

Major Edge: Viper

SEXUALITY

Mountain: rape

Viper: yes, please.

(Does sexuality really matter in a trail by combat?  Of course it does.  This is Game of Thrones, sex always matters.)

Edge: Viper

Finally Tally: Viper Wins 5 -1 

(I’m obviously pro-Viper, but I swear I didn’t plan the landslide when I picked the categories. Please don’t read into this.)

So if we’re to believe in science (which, come on, this is America, who believes in science?), it would seem our beloved Viper has a pretty decent shot here.  He’s more mysterious, cooler, quicker, angrier and hornier.  A lethal combination, it would seem.  But the eye test says he’s doomed to play Apollo to the Mountain’s Drago.  If he dies, he dies.

So who wins?  I don’t know, everyone?  Vegas opened at Mountain -300, but I’d imagine that comes down a bit with the late Dornish action.  I’d recommend taking Viper and the points, parlaying it with the Heat and calling it a day.

My Prediction: 

Along with Carmelo Anthony, George Karl helped breathe life into my favorite team in my favorite sport for the first time since 1994. Taking the reins from legends like Jeff Bzdelik, Mike Evans, Bill Hanzlik and Dan Issel (sorry Horse) made Karl look like a golden God in Denver.  Unlike most fans, my honeymoon didn’t last long.  Since roughly 2008, I’ve been telling anyone that would listen that he should be fired.  Everybody said I was nuts.  Last week the Nuggets let him go, and the reaction was pretty much the same: the Nuggets are nuts.  I’m here to tell you that they’re not.  I’ll split this into the two main beefs I have with Karl:

Beef 1: He’s a Fascist

My original beef with Karl, which I still stand firm on, is his complete inability to relate to or manage the egos of his players; arguably the most important function of an NBA coach.  The list of players “Furious George” has publicly crapped on is longer than the runway in Fast 6 (cinematic perfection by the way).

Let’s start in Seattle, where his major malfunction was with Gary Payton (they’re now BFFs, so nobody seems to remember this).  Their relationship was so dysfunctional that they would literally only communicate to each other through assistant coach Tim Grgurich.  Not exactly the ideal coach – point guard dynamic.  But at least The Glove didn’t wish him eternal damnation.  Check out this gem of a quote from teammate Kendall Gill:

“I wouldn’t mind running into him in a dark alley somewhere, and then we’d see how much smack he’s gonna talk. Normally, I wouldn’t say anything about George, but I’m tired of holding my tongue. I would have done anything to get away from George Karl. I would have played in Baghdad…. Judgment Day will come, and he’ll have to meet his maker. All of the characters he tried to destroy, he’ll have to pay for.”

If you ask a player about his coach, and he invokes war-zones and biblical Armageddon, that’s probably not a good thing.  But who really cares about Kendall Gill, right?  Certainly not the first time a coach didn’t get along with a player. So after a few years of regular season domination and post-season meltdowns (I mean, we should’ve seen it coming- pay close attention around the 1:32 mark for Robert Pack emasculating Shawn Kemp)…

… Karl heads to Milwaukee. Once again, he looks like a top-tier coach, works his regular season magic and turns the middling Bucks into a contender behind Sam Cassell, Glenn ‘Big Dog’ Robinson, and Jesus Shuttlesworth himself.  Impressive stuff.  Karl then started publicly feuding with Allen before trading him to Seattle and blowing up the whole team.  Star players just want no part of small markets I guess…

Shit. Well, benefit of the doubt then.  I mean, Allen has turned out to be one of the NBA’s most well known curmudgeons (probably still mad about the time Denzel accidentally killed his mom).  He blames Karl for the whole thing, but could very easily have been his fault.  Two sides to every story, takes two to tango, etc, etc… Publicly trashing star players to the press on just two teams does not a trend make.

Speaking of egos, USA Basketball everybody!  In 2002, Karl was selected to coach the US team at the FIBA World Championships in Indianapolis.  In the upset of the century, he publicly feuded with team star and leading scorer Paul Pierce.  Finishing sixth (SIXTH!!!), that team flopped harder than LeBron in the Eastern Conference Finals (sorry, had to).  Hard to believe Karl wasn’t successful coaching a bunch of stars with large egos.  From our friend Bill Simmons right after the debacle:

And choosing George Karl to play babysitter — someone who has struggled famously as an ego-massager and big-game coach — made a bad situation even worse. You think George Freakin’ Karl was going to convince these guys to play hard on defense and share the basketball? Did anyone watch the Milwaukee Bucks last season????

To be fair, not entirely his fault.  That team (Stephon Marbury, et al) essentially waved both middle fingers at the rest of the country, leading to the overhaul of the entire USA Basketball organization.  Plausible deniability, but this is really starting to look like a trend.

Which brings us to Denver.  Now, I’ve had this argument with fellow Nuggets fans a thousand times, so I’ll preface it: the players he feuded with in Denver are all well known assholes.  The missteps of Carmelo Anthony (exhibits A & B) and JR Swish (pipe anybody?) are all very well documented.  I fully understand this and fault them accordingly.  Thus the reason I lay out Karl’s prior relationship issues.  It’s still the coaches job to develop enough of a rapport with his players to get the most out of them on the court – especially with the franchise player.  Karl proved completely and unarguably inept at this in Denver.  Eventually, you just have to just call a spade a spade.  We officially have a trend: coach rules with iron fist, feuds with young talented player(s), trashes said player(s) to press, team falls apart.

Anyone that watched the Nuggets during the Karl era knows that he stubbornly plays favorites, plain and simple (see Carter, Anthony & Miller, Andre).  During the lockout, I played pickup with one of the prominent Nuggets from those teams (won’t name names, but he’s Brazilian) whom I asked about Karl.  Essentially, and I’m paraphrasing, if you’re on his bad side, pretty much all communication is cut off.  No extra time in the office, no constructive criticism, no – oh, what’s the word – coaching.  Radio silence.  Time and again he would trash players to the press instead of dealing with them directly.  The Denver press now gushes over his candor (the guys that started firegeorgekarl.com showered him with praise after he got canned, even getting defensive on Twitter when it was suggested they were happy with this move), but how do you think that affects a young millionaire with an ego the size of Alaska?  You mean they don’t respond well to being publicly insulted?  Baffling.  Karl has forgotten more basketball than I’ll ever know, and probably could’ve been the best college coach of all-time, but you can’t be a fascist in the NBA.  Not today.  So, that’s beef one, in just under 1,000 words. (Should be noted that if we make a few more deep playoff runs – I’m not even talking about a title necessarily – I happily deal with this and most likely blame the players.  Winning really does solve everything.)

Beef 2: He’s a Fascist That Can’t Win in the Playoffs

Beef two has been explored ad nauseam over the past week, so I won’t belabor the point, but it boils down to two sets of statistics: 8 out of 9 and 21-39.  In 8 of the last 9 seasons, we’ve been bounced in the first round of the playoffs.  Over that time, Karl’s postseason record is a sterling 21-39 (at .35, even lower than his lifetime postseason mark of .43).  Anyone thinking he didn’t deserve to get canned is ONLY thinking of the Nuggets in a historical sense. We were ‘lucky to be there’ in the playoffs every year, because we used to be terrible. That’s the kind of ambition that gets you a participation ribbon up on the Wall of Gaylord. If this were the Broncos, he’d of been gone years ago.  Some years were his fault, some weren’t (if we complete an in-bounds pass against the Lakers in 2009, we go to the Finals, but I digress). He feuded with Melo, wanted him gone, wanted a team with no egos- he got it. Same result. The only constant over those nine years was George Karl.  Would things have been different with a healthy Gallo? Maybe.  Hell, probably.  But let’s be honest here, Mark Jackson worked him like a speedbag in that series (breaking: Andre Miller IS NOT a crunch-time scorer and should not be allowed within 50 feet of Steph Curry).  Karl’s famous stubbornness has resulted in an almost comical inability to make adjustments during playoff series.  I’d think it was funnier if it didn’t leave me in an alcoholic depression every April.

—

So what now? I don’t know; hopefully Brian Shaw or Lionel Hollins.  Shaw has a masters degree from Phil Jackson U, though whether or not this particular roster could flourish in the triangle remains to be seen (aside from Javale, I’m cautiously optimistic).  Hollins would rebuild our nonexistent defense and implement some half court sets – a necessity in the playoffs that Karl constantly neglected.  Really, it’s either of them or bust.  Rumor has it a ‘trade’ with Memphis is possible, where we get Hollins and they get Karl.  Could be weird, considering Karl thinks Javale McGee and Kenneth Faried are better than Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph.  Early lines out of Vegas put the over/under on how long it takes before Karl’s first spat with Z-Bo at just under 10 minutes.  Please, please, please let this happen.  We’ll throw in Andre Miller for a pulled pork sandwich and some baked beans.

Of course, if we sign the wrong guy and completely fall apart – hold out Gallo and tank for Wiggins.

On Thursday, my buddy Sourk and I decided to trade emails while seeing exactly how much hoops we could watch while pretending to work.  We had so much fun, we did it again Friday.  Started out slow, as we actually had work to do,  but picked it up as the ‘Madness’ really unleashed itself on the tournament.  2012-2013 CU Hoops, RIP (damnit all).

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Sourk (12:16pm EST)

I’m not even sure where to begin. Great upset by Harvard last night, but does anyone REALLY care? I mean, who knew anything about New Mexico besides they must be pretty good because of their seed?  For some reason, upsets aren’t the same unless it’s a Duke, UNC, Kansas, Syracuse, etc. losing.

Alright, first round of games for the day in the books and I’m already thrilled. I had Wisconsin winning, but losing to K-state (with K-state also beating Gonzaga).  The way the Zags looked last round is making me feel pretty good about picking up a few points on the field.  Could really go for Creighton to win and NC State to play up to their ability instead of down to their competition.

Slim Shady is the man, and I’m starting to think after beating Florida and Wisconsin, two hot, talented teams back-to-back, that they could be the annual 12-seed in the sweet sixteen or even elite 8. He could go from a relative nobody outside of basketball fans to a nationally known player.

Does Doug McDermott have an NBA future? The guy has been filling it up for years and can really stroke it. With all the stretch 4’s I find it hard to imagine that he can’t be a rotation player someplace.  Which reminds me, every white power forward should study Nick Collison.  First big off the bench on one of the best teams in the league. All you have to do is set good screens, hit open 15 footers, hedge pick-and-rolls and board hard as shit.  Basically, try hard. Point being, I want my wizards to draft Otto Porter and Doug McDermott.

Me (4:50pm) 

So happy Slim and the Rebels took down Wisconsin.  Bo Ryan teams are usually good, occasionally really good, and ALWAYS a complete abomination to the game of basketball.  Not only are they ugly in appearance (I see you Carrot Top), but they turn every game they play into a low-40s snooze-fest.  On top of that, their best player shoots free-throw jumpers.  Glad they’re gone.

Onto McDermott, I like where your head’s at.  The way he busts his ass on both ends of the floor, emphasizes fundamentals, and squeezes out every ounce of talent he has really reminds me of Boogie Cousins, only the exact opposite.  Seriously though, I see him as a Wally Szczerbiak type.  Probably 6-7 years as a solid role player, and you could stretch that out if he falls in the draft to a quality franchise like San Antonio.  The best scenario for your Wizards is to tank all of next year, because this draft sucks, and there’s probably 3-4 franchise players next year.

Can we take a quick second to talk about these new Adidas jerseys?  If you aren’t sure what I’m on about; Louisville, Notre Dame, Kansas, Cincinnati, Baylor and UCLA are all being punished for not repping a proper brand like Nike by having to wear these disasters. They’re like a cross between board shorts, the widely laughed at Golden State short-sleeve jerseys, and the zebra print parachute pants preferred by Bret the Hitman Hart.  They’re effing hideous.

Anyway, luckily I’m home on my couch for the Buffs game, so I can throw/shout things without fear of judement.  Roll Tad.

Me (5:57pm)

Sooo, looks like Bad CU showed up.  Seriously couldn’t draw up a worst first half.  Scott is literally throwing balls at the basket, Illinois has 6 three’s and 15 points off turnovers, and Tad decided to play ‘YMCA- everybody plays!’  We need a miracle.

Sourk (7:11pm EST)

So I just got up to the mountains and missed the entire second half of what I can only imagine was a furious comeback by K State and epic choke job.  Down 18 at half (with a cozy spot in my elite 8), I was pretty depressed.  Check the score in the car and all tied, thinking we got this. That’s right, “we”. We did not have this.

All in all, my brackets are fairly in tact and if Gonzaga drops one of its next two games, I’m back.

One thing we haven’t talked about, survivor style bracket challenge. You have to pick one team to win each day and can’t reuse them. Not quite as hard as NFL style, but still pretty tough.  After narrowly escaping with a Gonzaga win yesterday, I need Gtown to handle business today. Haven’t thought much beyond that, but I recommend trying it if you haven’t already.

Sorry to hear about your Buffs. I can’t decide if I’m happy or sad to see Dinwiddie’s stach leave the tourney so soon. It could’ve been the star of the next few weeks.

Me (8:26pm EST)

Man, that game was a freaking emotional rollercoaster.  Down 16 at half, up 5, lose by 8.  Sucks because we didn’t play to our talent, but in this Game, you win, or you die.  In other news, Georgetown is getting rolled by the always powerful Florida Golf Club (my buddy Teiffel’s joke, not mine), who I’m pretty sure is sponsored by Wal-Mart.  This tournament makes so much sense.  Enjoy the mountains, I’m switching to bourbon.

Sourk (8:37pm EST)

In good news, my Florida final 4 pick looks better. But not quite as good as the Florida Gulf Coast wife. Dear god, I might root for the upset just to keep her relevant for the rest of the weekend.

Remember when I said today could go one of two ways?? Pretty sure a 2, 4, and 5 going down (prior to the night session) qualifies…

Me (9:16pm EST)

Well, Florida Golf Club just wrapped up the shocker of the tournament so far.  Glad you pointed out the wife, as she took over the Katherine Webb memorial ‘smokeshow who steals the thunder of a big sporting event’ award (still working on the name).  Googled her, turns out she’s a super model.  Seriously.  All we were missing was that perv Brent Musberger

The second day isn’t even over yet, and I’m exhausted.  My final four is still in tact, but I’ve lost every bet I’ve made, and they haven’t even been close.  Time to reel it in and lick my wounds.  Also, since I’m writing this, and not giving you a chance to respond, one more time with feeling:  ‘LET’S GO DUKE!’

For the first day of the NCAA Tournament (one of my favorite days of the year), I wanted to see exactly how much time I could spend watching hoops and pretending to be productive at work.  This morphed into trading emails with my buddy Sourk, who coincidentally was doing the same thing.  Games kicked off at 12:15pm EST.

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Me (11:36am EST)

Yes, the title to this was me uncomfortably forcing a Game of Thrones reference on you.  But let’s be honest, the Madness is, in fact, coming.  Here’s our gimmick for the day: we’re going to trade emails/thoughts/attempted witticisms on all the hoops we can watch while pretending to work.  Not too far from my normal day, except this time I’m actually watching sports instead of trolling the internet for good reads.  Let me also preface by saying that I am currently enjoying some sort of rare African flu that is sweeping the city (tangent: NYC really is like one giant petri dish.  I relive the movie ‘Outbreak’ every 4 weeks.), am on a potentially lethal combination of cold medicine, and am attempting to counter that with unholy amounts of caffeine. My mind may wander, so bear with me.

So, back to hoops.  Can we just agree off the bat, greatest sporting event of the year?  Good.  It’s seriously like a Gambler’s Christmas.  Here’s a few games I’m interested in today:

(14) Davidson vs. (3) Marquette

Went out on a limb and took Davidson here.  Why?  Because I watched Steph Curry drop 54 on the Knicks, fell in love with his wet jumper all over again, then really wanted to pick an upset when I had all the top seeds advancing.  And last year, the Big East sort of crapped the bed, so I’m hoping Marquette continues the trend.  Also, I’ve never seen Marquette play.  Chances of winning: 1.5%

(11) Belmont vs. (6) Arizona

I picked Belmont here for a few reasons.  1. As a CU alum, I now whole-heartedly hate the Wildcats and their fat slob of a coach.  They completely jobbed us out of the W in AZ when we nailed a clearly-legal game winner, we bent them over in Boulder, and I’m not really counting the L in the PAC-12 tourney.  2.  Again, I’ve never seen Belmont play, but I needed some upsets, and I was looking for teams I hated and/or thought could lose (see point 1).  3.  Mark Titus told me to, and he’s hilarious.  Chances of winning: 12%

(8) Colorado State vs. (9) Missouri

Because it sucks, to be, a CSU Ram.  That’s why.  Chances of winning: 99.9%

*All percentages approximate

Sourk (11:54am EST)

Fuck Duke. Seriously. I know they’re 18-2 or something with Ryan Kelly (who seemlessly took the throne of hideous white guy from Kyle Singler and John Shier), but they got beat by MD twice recently. I don’t chalk those up as rude awakening games, I chalk it up as team that can guard Plumlee without a double team, chase around Seth Curry and penetrate offensively can beat them. You know who does that?? Michigan State. Doesn’t hurt they have some sort of Jedi tournament master roaming the sidelines for them.

I think you need to add Miami and Florida to your list…or downgrade your 100% accordingly.  I can totally see the long guards of Syracuse giving the little white guy on Indiana trouble and the zone limiting my favorite player of all time (Oladipo), then losing to Miami in the Elite 8.  Florida is fortunate enough to be in the same bracket as the two teams that are always awesome in the regular season and lose in the tournament, KU and Gtown.  I think it’s a bad sign when you can invision a team getting beat in the second round OR winning it all.

Finally, don’t you think it’s awesome how everyone comes out of the woodwork after watching a one hour ESPN special and pretends they’re huge NCAA fans??  I’ve had countless people in my office come up to me and say “too bad for St. Louis, I would’ve had them going to the final four if they weren’t in the group of death. Rick Majerus really knows what he’s doing.”  Listen assholes, 1. Rick Majerus is dead (RIP), 2. you know NOTHING about St. Louis aside from what Jay Bilas just told you, 3. I bet you don’t watch the World Cup and even know what the Group of Death refers to.  Where were you when I was watching the Maui Invitational months ago??

Lastly, when did Louisville become THE team? Every bracket I see has them winning it all. I get it, they’re awesome. But as little as two weeks ago, I was absolutely convinced Indiana would win it all. A month ago, I knew it would be Duke. I’ve never seen anything like this….there are a legit 8 teams that have been the best team in the country at some point this year.

Me (1:05pm EST)

In case there is anybody reading this, and that person isn’t familiar with our man Ryan Kelly.

Ryan Kelly may break a few mirrors, but Bilas LOOOOVES his length. So there’s that.  I still like Duke in the title game though.  That said, lets go ahead and get our picks on the table:

Final Four- Duke, Ohio St, Indiana, Kansas.

Champ- Duke over Indiana

That last part absolutely tormented me, as like you- Oladipo gives me a total chub.  Whenever he pulls some Spider-Man shit, I think of Bubbles from The Wire and yell ‘OLADIPO, WHERE’S MY PEOPLE!’  I just have 0 confidence in Tom Crean. Between his sophomoric post-game antics and subbing players like he’s college drunk, the man is a total cartoon.

and why would you play your All-Americans in a tight game?

just lost to OSU, CUT DOWN THE NETS!!

And just for fun… YOU RUINED OUR PROGRAM!!!

Me (1:07pm EST)

Just got pulled into back-to-back meetings, dammit.  iPhone it is.  Too close for missiles, switching to guns.

Sourk (1:49 EST)

I have so many brackets my final fours are all over the place…which brings me to another point: strategy in filling out a bracket is so key. You need to actually look at the point format and number of people in the pool.  For instance, I have a fairly conservative bracket with Louisville, Ohio State, Gtown and Indiana (Louisville over Indiana in the finals).  This bracket has about 25 people in it and doubles in points as you move forward (1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32). Pretty much, you HAVE to get the champion correct. BUT, I have more upsets early because as long as your sweet 16 and elite 8 stay in tact, missing out on a point in round one doesn’t hurt.

My other bracket has Louisville, Ohio State, Miami and Florida with Louisville over Florida in the finals.  I’m a little more conservative early do to it being scored a little more evenly than above, but there are 90 people in it.  There is no worse feeling that looking at the standings on the first Monday of the tournament and realizing that you mathematically are out of it because 3 idiots above you have the EXACT SAME picks moving forward and they luckily got that 13 over 4 upset that you couldn’t pull the trigger on.  Going with a final 4 like this let’s you always say “as long as Florida and Miami pull off upsets I can still win this thing!”

This is why there are about 30 crumpled up sheets of paper all around my office.

Me (3:20pm EST)

You should be super excited for Louisville completely messing their britches the first time they get into a close game.  Just prepare to watch Russ Smith dribble out the shot clock, then launch a contested fade-away that doesn’t draw iron, good times.  If I sound like a jilted loved, it’s probably because I lost several bets on them.Anyway, got an hour until my next meeting, thank god for the CBS Boss Button!  Also, I have Pitt wrapped up in both bets I made today, and they’re currently losing to Wichita State 33-26.  Wichita State shouldn’t even be in the tournament.  I seriously hate everything.

Sourk (3:45pm EST)

Wichita State is among the teams you only know exist BECAUSE of the tournament. Also included: Niagra, Western Kentucky, Valparaiso, IUPUI…I think without March Madness, admissions at those places would be cut in half. Easy.

Is there a better feeling than the sigh of relief for getting a game right? I don’t care if it’s a 3 over a 14, I give myself a mental check mark or ‘atta boy’ everytime. Conversely, THINKING you got a game right, only to check your bracket and realize you picked the other way is catostrophic. I never get over it…until the feeling above kicks in again.

Sourk (4:48pm EST)

Thought I’d skip my turn because you’re in meetings…Memphis is up a handful and about to shoot a boat load of foul shots over the next minute plus.

How is it possible to recruit some of the best athletes in the country that can NEVER make foul shots?!??!

Me (5:00pm EST)

Good question Aguato.

But yes, pretty obnoxious.  Makes me think of my mom who thinks NBA players should be fined for missing free throws.  She seems to forget that her son is a career 60-70% free throw shooter, not great.

In other news, F*ck Pitt.  Really, F*ck Pitt, and my buddies that convinced me they were a lock.  Instead of watching them burn my money, want to know what I got to do for the last hour?  Listen to a girl tell me all about how to advertise on Facebook.  Apparently the platform is on the verge of some really exciting things.  The new platform is going to CHANGE the GAME.  Needed that like I need a hole in the head.How ’bout those Davidson Wildcats, huh?  Looking frisky… since it’s 5:00pm here, I’m putting it on cruise control… NO MORE WORK.

Sourk (5:30pm EST)

The funny thing about Pitt (and really the tournament in general) is I knew nothing about them, but after a few articles, I was almost certain they were going to knock of Gonzaga. Then, BOOM, gone.

The more I’ve read, the more I’ve noticed that you really need to be a certain type of team to make an upset…create a hectic environment that becomes real dangerous when you throw in some stress and the possibility of actually having your season end, and be able to make it rain from 3.  Davidson hits the 3’s, so they still have a chance. If they go cold because they’re thinking ahead, Marquette will squeak this out.  Watching this game has me convinced that the Brad Stevens’ will make it to another sweet 16 and possibly further…dude’s a beast. Rember this ??

He just walks off like a boss.

Me (5:34pm EST)

Ha, yes. That was amazing.  Can we acknowledge the Davidson crunch-time lineup real quick?  One player short of a white-wash.  Amazing.

Sourk (5:51pm EST) – Davidson just choked away a major upset

They REALLY didn’t do anything wrong either. They made 2 each time at the line, contested the 3’s (that all happened to be pure) and even the turnover should’ve been a foul before it got to that…Marquette was pushing people around a half-second too late.

Upsetting is that it’s most likely the game of the tournament and it’s over already, and I have my office tv/computer on mute. I was pretending Gus Johnson was having an orgasm the entire time.

Me (6:51pm EST)

I just stayed late at work for the Gonzaga game, just in case I was witnessing history.  Instead, I saw two Canucks put away the game for a 1-seed.  Canucks.  Not sure how I feel aboot that (see what I did there?)Headed home now, still hoping for a Belmont upset and a CSU blood bath.  Despite my losing 3 of the first 8, the day is not lost Kyle.