I’d like to start this by thanking (flipping the bird to) the millions of fans (two of my a*hole friends) who have emailed in (rudely texted me), asking where this powerhouse sports blog (poorly written hobby) has been all season. Your support & kind words mean more than you’ll ever know.
In total transparency, I simply didn’t have the time (was way too lazy) to do it this year, and much more importantly, I’ve been in gambling timeout for roughly 90% of the season. Why? Good question Aguado. Below, you’ll find a detailed summary of my winnings on the season.
Once again, I let my previous successes (riding Von Miller & a crippled QB to win after win on our way to Super Bowl & gambling immortality last year) fool me into delusions of grandeur, effectively devolving back to asinine parlay after asinine parlay, resulting in $0 balances every other Sunday, one too many trips to the Blackjack section on Sportsbook & the aforementioned (self-imposed, please keep the ‘wife won’t let you gamble’ jokes to a minimum) gambling timeout.
I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions, just seems like something fat people do. But you know what? It’s a great excuse to get back on the wagon, and more importantly – shooter’s shoot. Seeing as how my squad tried to defend our championship with a junior varsity QB, I figure watching the rest of these games without betting on them would be the metaphorical equivalent of a full month of blue balls. It might start out pretty sweet, but would ultimately end in frustration and heartbreak.
So have I rededicated myself to stats, research, and going with my head over my heart to dig out of this hole? Of course not. In the immortal words of Rod Tidwell, I’m all heart motherfucker. I’m either about to go 11-0 in this bish (highly unlikely), or be back in timeout by the Divisional round (highly likely).
TEASE OF THE WEEK
In my post-Super Bowl stupor, I forgot that I won all my money last year by avoiding parlays and investing heavily in every possible tease on the board. With that in mind, let’s roll two favorites and two dogs – one for each day, so you can let your winnings ride (chase your losses). I’ll take the Raiders (+9.5) and Seattle (-1.5), and the Giants (+10.5) and Pittsburgh (-4) for 500 please Alex. Pour a whiskey, thank me later.
On to the picks. All from Sportsbook as of Thursday.
Raiders (+3.5) over TEXANS
For the life of me, I can’t decide who wins this game. Shea Serrano at The Ringer, avid Texans fan & world-renowned Glock Osweiler hater, has tee’d it up as the ‘Worst QB Playoff Matchup Ever‘ (if you don’t follow Shea on Twitter, then what are you even doing with your life?). I’m not even one of the Broncos fans who hates Brock for bouncing on us. I look at it two ways:
- The Texans simply outbid us. I mean, let me know next time you’d turn down a raise, especially one for $72 million. Hell, I’d turn on my best friends for a brisket sandwich. By all means, make your paper boo-boo.
- We dodged a bullet. Brock Osweiler isn’t our QB anymore, and that’s a beautiful thing.
I was thinking about taking the Texans, because, you know, Conor Cook has yet to play an NFL game, but then I found this video of Brock throwing passes.
Harrowing, I know. Now we all know how Nuk Hopkins feels every week. I’m going with the black & silver, Raiders win outright.
Detroit (+7.5) over SEATTLE
This one was tough, because I still operate under the assumption of what I think Seattle is, as opposed to what they really are. I still picture the best D in the league. I still picture ol’ Celibate Wilson running amok and beating the Patriots in Foxborough. Then I forget that the last time they played a playoff team, the Packers ball-gagged them 38-10. And yet, I still want to pick them to go to the Super Bowl. Again, I’m not good at this. I see Seattle winning a close game, which obviously means they either lose outright or win by 100.
STEELERS (-10) over Dolphins
Le’veon Bell is like if Barry Sanders & Bob Marley had a baby. I love that little pothead so much. I built both of my fantasy teams around him, despite his affinity for the green stuff, suspensions and his rebuilt knee (aka the holy trinity of stay-the-fuck-away). I spent his epic Week 14 having a full body orgasm while my points piled up, completely ignoring the Donkeys pooping away their season to the Titans. Here, watch, just make sure you have a towel handy.
They also have this guy (forgiving the fact that he stole the move from Von).
Add that to the fact that this is a revenge game for them, and we got Pitt winning by 14+. The Steelers are winning the Super Bowl. More on that later.
PACKERS (-4.5) over Giants
I love the Giants if they’re teased to 10.5, but I hate them for anything under 8. They have literally one play, albeit a beautiful one – toss a slant to OBJ and hope he can score a touchdown before he gets in a fight or tries to sleep with a cheerleader. He’s like a goddamn gazelle.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Unfortunately for them, they got this guy …
derp.
… going up against the best QB in the league.
Let’s be honest, probably going to lose most, if not all of these, and not write again until next year. So let’s just finish out the season.
DIVISIONAL ROUND
PATRIOTS over Conor Cook (Tom Brady likes Donald Trump)
Steelers over CHIEFS (Andy Reid likes hot dogs)
ATLANTA over Seattle (Russell Wilson hates pre-marital sex)
DALLAS over Green Bay (Texas forever)
CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES
Steelers over PATRIOTS (make sure those balls are regulation)
Falcons over DALLAS (weekly reminder that the Broncos wanted to draft Dak, then traded up for the pirate and started Trevor Siemian for a full season)
SUPER BOWL
Steelers over Falcons (Big Ben -350 over Matty Ice)
And now, only because I’m in full-on degenerate mode … Clemson 31 – Bama 28. Nick Saban is an asshole.
Smooches.
illiterate sports 