This was the year, I swore to myself.  This year, I’m picking every single game against the spread – not just as a way to prove to myself what a prophetic (horrendous) gambler I am, but really just as much as an excuse to make myself write & get to throw insults & jokes at people much more successful than me with no real repercussion.  As I’m sure all my loyal readers remember, I made it through Week 9, just barely past the halfway point.  Coincidentally, my Week 9 picks put me at just over .500 on the season.  My effort & my talent, it seems, mirror each other – barely this side of half-assed.  There are excuses, most of which are legitimate (moved states, changed not just jobs but careers, I’m lazy, continued the equally arduous yet rewarding long-distance girlfriend dance, the holidays, I’m lazy…), but you know what they say – excuses are like _______.

But all is not lost!  In the last edition of the World’s Greatest (*worst) Picks (TM pending), I relegated my goals for the season from gambling immortality to that of Mr. Cooper & Ms. Lawrence below:

First place became unnecessary.  I simply wanted a completion ribbon to put on my proverbial wall of Gaylord.

If (when) I finish this season with a winning record, I’ll make what will amount to a combination of both of their faces, and possibly (probably) do a naked lap around the block.

As it sits, I’m 64 – 62 – 4. Yes, I completely blew off seven weeks of the season, in which it’s very likely I would’ve dipped below .500.  It’s also just as likely I reverted to John Anthony status and went undefeated, we’ll never know.  So I sit two games up with eleven left to go.  The most fun eleven.  I’d say I’m confident I’m about to go 11-0, but I’m picking three road teams, one of which is lead by Andy Reid & Alex Smith, and the goddamn Washington Racists.  I could very possibly go 0-4, or I could be one-week closer to the aforementioned naked lap around the block.  Sorry babe, rules is rules.  Only one way to find out.

TEASE OF THE WEEK:

If I actually had any money to gamble with, I’d tease all four favorites six ways from Sunday, then go straight to Vegas.

As always, all lines from Sportsbook.com.

Chiefs (-3.5) over TEXANS

In my first real regret of the column, I’ve decided to ride with Alex Smith and ol’ clock mismanagement himself, Andy Reid.  In my defense, I’d bet only 15-20% of NFL fans could even name the Texans QB.  I just hope JJ Watt doesn’t go Nelson Muntz and start throwing touchdowns to himself.  I’d also love another shot to destroy the Chiefs dreams in the playoffs.  Fun fact: the Chiefs D was my highest scoring fantasy player throughout the playoffs, and I took 2nd place. So there’s that. There’s also this.

Big Ben (-3) over AJ MCCARRON

I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for the Steelers (pretty sure we can blame that on Kordell Slash Stewart), but this year went into full-on lady boner mode.  If I hadn’t already dedicated my life to Jennifer Lawrence, I’d definitely dedicate it to Antonio Brown. Not sure there’s any other option for an of-age, football loving, American male.

The only possible hiccup here is that Deangelo Williams is out, and they’re now on their 3rd string RB – a guy named Fitzgerald Toussaint, whom you just googled to make sure I wasn’t straight making him up.

AJ MCCARRON’S WIFE (-14.5) over Big Ben’s Wife

the only defensible reason to ever root for Alabama.

jk. totes not his wife, but goddamn what a sex offender.

Seahawks (-5.5) over VIKINGS

I’ve been clowning Russell Wilson all year for being a right-wing religious nutjob who thinks water can prevent concussions.  I’d say that’s fair.  I’d also say maybe he’s onto something. In his last seven games, he’s gone for a Madden-esque 24 TDs & 1 pick. Over those same seven games, the Seahawks have gone 6-1 while outscoring their opponents 224 – 98 (including a 38-7 ball-gagging of these same Vikings on national TV).  Gun to my head, I’m picking them to win the Super Bowl, and I just had to punch myself in the face for typing that sentence.

DC RACISTS (-1) over Packers

This one was hands down the hardest, as I literally had to go against every ounce of intuition I have.  On one hand, Aaron Rodgers. On the other, Kirk Cousins. One of these things is not like the other things.  The Racists are decent, and the Packers just aren’t. Can’t wait for the Pack to win by 20. *sigh*

Week 9: 6 – 7

Season: 64 – 62 – 4