As we cross the halfway mark of the season, the realization of exactly how hard it is to pick against the spread every week continues to grow on me. After continuing my trend of ‘good week / bad week’ with a 5-9 pupu platter last week, I sit a mere three games above .500. THREE! After knocking out weeks of 13-3 & 11-5 earlier in the year, I must admit, I did not see this coming. So I have reevaluated my goals, and now wish to simply keep my head above the proverbial water. In thinking of how to emphasize this with a pop culture analogy, I do believe I found the perfect pairing.
A few things about this scene. First, this was the movie that made me realize I needed to dedicate the rest of my life to Jennifer Lawrence. She’s an angel. Second, just an immaculate dance all-around. I can’t wait to recreate it at my own wedding someday. Finally, and the point that I’m really getting at here – just look at the complete and utter euphoria on these faces.
You’d think they just won the lotto. But no, that’s simply their reaction to receiving a 5 out of a possible 10 from the stuck-up judges. And why? Because they’re realists. They knew they weren’t going to stack up against the professional Russian ballerinas they were competing against and set expectations accordingly. If (when) I finish this season with a winning record, I’ll make what will amount to a combination of both of their faces, and possibly (probably) do a naked lap around the block.
This is what we’ve come to.
TEASE OF THE WEEK:
Boy oh boy do we have some contenders this week. My absolute favorites: Denver to a pick (no way PFM loses in his likely last trip to Indy), Rams to +8 (Todd Gurley isn’t human), Bears to +10 (more on them below). If you’re not happy with those, go Raiders +10.5 (as mentioned, they’re like a real-life football team these days. It’s crazy.) & Bucs to +8.5 (the love affair continues).
On to the picks. All lines as of 6pm MST Wednesday night.
BENGALS (-11.5) over Browns
(editor’s note: per the usual, I’m too lazy to get this out Thursday, but I actually got this one right)
Simmons used to be so bad at picking these Thursday night dumpster fires that he named them his ‘Skunk of the Week’, affectionately comparing his horrendous picks to spraying said team with his stink. I’m not sure what would be worst than that, but whatever it is, that’s me. I haven’t just been wrong the last three weeks, I’ve picked the losing side of absolute curb-stompings. That said, I think Cincy rolls … but then again, it’s the glorious return of Johnny Football. Life is more fun with Johnny Football in it. There are lots of things one would do with a rolled up $20 that aren’t illegal. Lots.
Raiders (+4.5) over STEELERS
I’d like to take this opportunity to observe a moment of silence for Le’veon Bell, and with him all of my fantasy football hopes & dreams. I hate fantasy, I hate it so fucking much.
JETS (-7.5) over Jaguars
Jets getting their pants pulled down as heavy favorites to the Raiders + the Jaguars being a terrible football team = Jets winning by 20. It’s science.
Rams (+2) over VIKINGS
Last week, I told myself I was done picking against the Vikes. They even backed up my sentiment by beating Da Bears on the road. And yet, I can’t shake the notion in my head that they’re still not very good, whereas I think the Rams are actually kind of decent. Rams win outright.
BILLS (-3) over Dolphins
Can’t wait to not watch one minute of this game.
SAINTS (-9) over Titans
Another great candidate for a tease here, especially if Brees’ mojo sticks around for a few more weeks. If that mojo could go to Ben Watson & CJ Spiller, that would just be great. For everybody.
PATRIOTS (-14) over DC Racists
The only game I plan on picking against the Pats the rest of the year is when they come to Denver. You like that?
Packers (-3) over PANTHERS
It seems to be an accepted fact that quarterback is the hardest position to play in all of professional sports. Coincidentally, there are a shit ton of horrendous QBs in the NFL. 320 million people in this country, and we can’t find 32 decent QBs? It absolutely boggles the mind. Guys like Alex Smith, Ryan Fitzpatrick, anyone named McCown, anyone who’s started for the Texans this year …. these are guys that keep my ‘I could’ve played NFL QB if I would’ve applied myself’ fantasy alive. But then you look at Cam Newton, and I’m like ‘nah’. To wit:
Seriously, watch that again. He’s like JJ Watt crossed with pre-dogfight Mike Vick crossed with a cheetah, and probably wins the MVP if we were to vote today. And yet, I feel like Rodgers comes out for blood after being humiliated by the Orange Crush last Sunday night.
Falcons (-7) over BLAINE GABBERT
Quick recap for my 9er fans out there: Kaep was so bad, they decided to go with Yo Gabba Gabba and his career stats of 23 TDs, 24 picks and a whopping 66.8% rating. That would make him the 46th ranked QB on the year. There are 32 teams. Again, we have a QB crisis on our hands.
BUCS (+2.5) over Giants
My unwavering belief in Famous Jameis & Doug Martin baffles me too. Jameis forever.
Broncos (-6) over COLTS
Full transparency: against the Packers last week, my one goal was to not get blown out. I thought we could keep it close, possibly even steal a W, I just really, really, really didn’t want to get embarrassed on national TV. We proceeded to rack up more penalty yards (93) than ARod had passing yards (77). We dominated the best team in the NFC in absolutely every facet of the game, and, and, and … now I believe we can win the Super Bowl. Goddamnit. Every year.
Eagles (-3) over COWBOYS
In the immortal words of Sidney Dean, I only have four words for you: fuck the NFC East. No matter what you do this week, stay away from this game.
Bears (+4) over CHARGERS
Can’t wait for the Chargers to have to go to a silent count to deal with the 50,000 Bears fans in attendance, get down by 30 points, and then score three garbage time TDs at the end to make it appear respectable to anyone who wasn’t watching the actual game. God, the Chargers suck. Bears win outright.
Last Week: 5 – 9
Season: 58 – 55 – 4
illiterate sports 