These intro / recaps have become a verifiable rollercoaster of emotions. I’m either Scrooge McDucking my ass around my moneybin, or falling victim to all types of prison rape & hydrogen bombs. It’s a lot to take in week-to-week. What I needed was a nice, steady, under-the-radar comeback. Something to get me back on track without attracting the attention of the feds. So I kept it low-key and banged out a nice 8-5.
Baby steps.
TEASE OF THE WEEK:
I give you four absolute locks here (which obviously means all four fail, but I digress): Lions +10 (Alex Smith couldn’t beat my mom by 10), Vikes +6 (Cutler couldn’t beat your mom by 6), Raiders +9 (Fitzpatrick couldn’t beat his own mom by 9), Panthers -1 (no more mom jokes, the Colts just suck).
With that, on to the picks. Once again, straight from Sportsbook.com as of 5:00pm MST Thursday afternoon.
Miami (+8.5) over PATRIOTS
[Editor’s note: wrote this last night] I’d bet my life that the Pats win this game, but they somehow keep letting every dogshit team they play get backdoor covers in the 4th quarter. It’s infuriating, and I’m pretty sure it’s just Belicheat trolling all of us. He’s the worst.
[Editor’s note: I’ve taken four straight L’s on these Thursday night atrocities.]
Lions (+4) over CHIEFS
This feels like a 14-13 game to me. Even if the Chiefs were on their way to covering, Andy Reid would get distracted by the hotdog guy, call an inadvertent timeout, and let Detroit score a garbage time TD. Either that or Megatron is fumbling at the one yard line. Either way.
Vikings (Pick) over BEARS
Ever since the Vikes got rolled by San Fran on the opening Monday Night of the season, I’ve picked against them every week – and lost. You know what? I’ve had enough. They go into Chicago and light up Smokin’ Jay. Vikes win outright.
Bucs (+7.5) over FALCONS
I love, love, love me some Doug Martin. You know what I don’t love? His weak ass nickname. How is a full-grown American male going to call himself the Muscle Hamster? I just picture fat rodents dancing to shit rap music during Kia commercials. But you know what I read this week? The Dougernaut. Now that, my friends, is a motherfucking nickname. Dougernaut and the Bucs keep this respectable.
SAINTS (-3.5) over Giants
I’m too lazy to go back and check, but pretty sure I’ve been wrong about both of these teams in every game they’ve played this year. I’m taking the home team, but I hate them both, and wouldn’t touch this game with a 50-ft pole.
49ers (+8.5) over RAMS
I know, I know, I know. The 9ers would probably trade Kaepernick for a brisket sandwich and a handshake right about now. The Seahawks just pooped on their chest, in their OWN HOUSE, on national TV. All signs point to a verifiable dumpster fire. And yet, I don’t see the Rame beating a division rival by more than 5 or 6. I’ll eat these words. Whatever. SF friends, cheer up – it’s NBA season. Every time Kaep throws a pick, just watch some Steph highlights.
Cardinals (-6.5) over BROWNS
Every bone in my body says tease the f*ck out of this game. Yet recent history says the Cards have f*cked me out of roughly $1,000 and two suicide pools. I hate gambling.
Bengals (+1.5) over STEELERS (if Ben sits)
Landry Jones is not an NFL quarterback.
STEELERS (-1.5) over Bengals (if Ben plays)
Ben Roethlisberger IS an NFL quarterback.
RAVENS (-3.5) over LA Chargers
Ladies and gentleman, the battle for the #1 pick in the 2016 NFL Draft.
Titans (+3.5) over TEXANS
To recap, the Texans just: lost by ~700 to the Dolphins, lost their best offensive player to a torn achilles, cut their part-time starter / part-time backup QB because he couldn’t make the team flight and had to ride coach to the game. So they obviously deserve to be favored by 3.5. Derp.
RAIDERS (+3) over Jets
As I’ve mentioned a few times – the Raiders have sucked – I mean really, really SUCKED – for so long, that it’s hard to even dislike them. It’s to the point that I’m even sort of, kind of, somewhat legitimately excited for them to have CARR BOMBS to Amari Cooper. That’s like a real-life football play. He’s a freak, and I’m scared of him. Raiders win outright.
Seahawks (-6.5) over COWBOYS
BREAKING: Dez Bryant had a great day of practice. BREAKING: Matt Cassel is throwing to him. Seahawks win by at least two TDs.
Packers (-3) over BRONCOS
My love affair with Aaron Rodgers has been well chronicled in this space. He’s like a John Elway – Steve Young – Jesus hybrid, and it’s terrifying. Conversely, I love my Donkeys, but I have absolutely zero explanation as to what in the Sam Hell is going on with our offense. Is it Kubiak? I don’t know. I do know that insisting on Peyton running naked bootlegs is about as intelligent as trusting your daughter on prom night. Is it Peyton? I don’t know. I do know that every time he throws a pass, it’s a straight coin flip as to whether it’s going to be a dart or a duck.
I was thinking about all of that, and then I saw this.
BRONCOS (+3) over Packers
Von Miller is the greatest. Orange Crush for life. I apologize.
PANTHERS (-7) over Colts
Ways the Colts have fucked me this year, ranked:
- Ruining my tease in week 2
- Refusing to pass the ball to Andre Johnson, whom I told anyone who would listen was going to blow up this year.
- Tricked me into spending $7 on Ahmad Rashad Bradshaw on my fantasy waiver wire.
As Joey Tribbiani would say: Panthers – good, Colts – bad. And yes, I’m so bad at picks, that I’ve resorted to Friends clips.
Last Week: 8 – 5
Season: 53 – 46 – 4
This year Halloween fell on a weekend, me and Geto Boys were trick-or-treatin.
illiterate sports 