As always, a quick recap of last week:
First, let’s back up. I decided to embark on this little endeavor of picking every game, every week, for two reasons:
- Writing is a ton of fun and this gave me a relevant weekly topic about something I already cared about.
- I kind of, sort of, actually honestly thought I’d do really well, and thus have it as public record to rub in my friends’ faces.
Turns out, that second reason may turn into one hell of a backfire. 4-9-1 last week, bringing me within four small games of falling below .500 for the first time all year. To try and snap out of this funk, I thought we’d try something new. After I post these each week, I can count on several snarky texts from friends ridiculing my most current masterpiece (dumpster fire). Of those, the most common is my buddy Chris, who for all intents & purposes is the person most responsible for my favorite addiction. So I asked him to write either a rebuttal or an agreement to each of my picks. All of his responses are below in blue italics, without edit or retort from me. I just gave them a quick glance (because, who gives a shit what he has to say, right?), and it seems as if he’s tried to incorporate some extremely novel ideas here, such as ‘research’ and ‘stats’ and ‘rational thought’. Interested to see how those work out.
But first:
TEASE OF THE WEEK:
Despite the hydrogen bomb that was my week, my TOTW still hit. That’s three weeks in a row, so jump on board America. This week, I offer up the 49ers, Bills & the Lions. Let it eat.
On to the picks. All from Sportsbook as of Wednesday.
49ERS (+6.5) over Seattle
To recap: were it not for a miraculous last-second play by Kam Chancellor against the Lions, the Seahawks would be 1-5, after having lead in the 4th quarter of all five of those losses. Instead, they’re 2-4, while that same stat holds true. Now, I get that Kaepernick is the NFL Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, but Seattle should be giving 6.5 on the road to a hated division rival because why?
49ERS (+6.5) over Seattle
I should start off by saying I am the one responsible for Crane’s sports gambling degeneracy. I’m like the man who gave Picasso a paintbrush, Mozart a piano, or Walter White a chemistry set. I’m sorry I’m not sorry.
I hate to agree right off the bat but c’mon. Aren’t the Niners just the poor man’s Panthers? Division rival, at home, and you’re giving me 6.5 points in a game where the over / under is 42?! It doesn’t matter if the Niners lose the rest of their games and move to Santa Clara (errr wait), they’ll be hype for this one. Seattle 21 Santa Clara 17.
Bills (-5.5) over JAGS (in London)
You’ve got to love that we claim we want to broaden the appeal of the NFL in England (Europe, really), but continue to do so by sending them the worst possible games on the docket. Nothing says ‘new fan’ like ‘come watch EJ Manuel & Blake Bortles duke it out in the rain’. As to my pick – Jim Kelly himself went to the press this week to ask Rex to unleash the hounds. I think they roll.
Bills (-5.5) over JAGS (in London)
I don’t know what you’re talking about. This game is so good that you can only watch it live streamed on Yahoo. That’s like having the halftime show presented by AOL. 80% of the money is on the Bills, the Bills have numerous difference makers banged up, but you know what? If any team gets shut out this week, it’s the Jags in this game. I’m going against every gambling rule I have and giving the points.
RAMS (-6) over Browns
As of this writing, it’s pretty much dead even between the Rams and the DC Racists on who’s going to fuck me harder this season. As such, and in respect to surefire HOF’er Josh McCown, I will being staying miles & miles away from this game. However, Todd Gurley might be Bo Jackson crossed with a young Biggie Smalls, and I see them covering.
Browns (+6) over RAMS
Fun fact: Joe Haden led NFL jersey sales for a couple weeks this season. Who is buying all the Joe Haden jerseys?! My conspiracy theory: it’s the closest thing you can get to a Lebron James football jersey. Guess what else? Haden’s back this week. Oh and the Rams only scored 10 points against the Redskins.
DOLPHINS (-4.5) over Texans
Remember my first year of sports gambling? It was when I fell in love with the Tajh Boyd / Sammy Watkins / Nuk Hopkins Clemson squad that just kept winning as outright underdogs, made me a fortune, and tricked me into thinking gambling on football was easy. That, as it turns out, was not the truth. Anyway, are we sure Sammy was better than Nuk? I submit exhibit A;
As to the line – I can see either team winning by 20, so I’ll pass, thank you.
Texans (+4.5) over DOLPHINS
I could never forget your love affair with Clemson, or the fact you thought Vince Young would be a viable NFL quarterback, or that JJ Reddick was the second coming of Larry Bird. OR you thought the Dolphins would lose to the Titans straight up. What’s changed? The Texans have only looked bad in their game against the Falcons. Besides Ryan Tannehill is the only QB that can “lose a locker room” of the team that was investigated last year for literally torturing one another. ***Side bet – The curse of Richie Incognito is real. The Dolphins will never win a Super Bowl again.
look at this maniac.
Jets (+9) over PATS
I can’t believe the Pats let some dude named Griff Whalen hit them with the dreaded backdoor cover. Luckily, I didn’t bet a dollar on this game, but I told anyone who would listen that the Pats were winning by 40, and I delivered this message with the zeal of Ray Lewis at a deer antler convention. I may have cost some folks some money, and I apologize. Rooting for the Pats was like rooting for ISIS. Griff fucking Whalen.
Jets (+9) over PATS
I’m actually shocked at how many times we’ve agreed thus far. The Pats are scoring 36.6 ppg. and the Jets are holding opponents to 15 ppg. Classic O vs. D game. I can’t help but think that Antonio Cromartie and Darrelle Revis are alien life forms that were sent here on the sole mission to stop the Patriots WR’s. Nobody stops Gronk but David Harris aint exactly getting’ “thrown out the club” either.
LIONS (+3) over Vikings
I think both of these teams are trash, but it seems like the Lions remembered they can just throw 60 yard bombs to Megatron ten times a game, so I’ll take the home dog ML, especially because I have to root for Stafford in fantasy this week.
Vikings (-3) over LIONS
This is the game that only a true degenerate bets on. Needless to say I’ve already locked in the Vikings -3(even). The Vikings secondary is sneaky good and the Lions biggest weakness? Stopping the run.
Falcons (-5) over TITANS
Well I know you’ve got a perma-chub for Matty Ice and the Dirty Birds, so I’ll just go ahead and agree with you here. Julio could probably play QB and just throw the ball to himself in this game, and they’d still win.
Falcons (-5) over TITANS
Crane well knows the Falcons are the crazy ex-girlfriend I keep coming back to. I quit them for a little while but then all of a sudden they just look so HOT. That and I’m secretly the only person on the planet praying that Marcus Mariota falls flat on his face. #Jameis #Crablegs
Bucs (+3.5) over the RACISTS
I finally decided to believe in the Racists’ ability to cover all spreads last week, so what did they do? Get blown out by Ryan Fitzpatrick. So after a splendid bye-week, my completely indefensible love affair with Jameis & the Muscle Hamster continues. I kind of want to take them ML here. Please talk me out of it.
Bucs (+3.5) over the RACISTS
Did you read my last paragraph? I think the Bucs can hang with any team that won’t force Jamies to throw INT’s and for some reason after seeing what DeAndre Hopkins did to Deangelo Hall on Hard Knocks, I’m thinking Mike Evans might catch a pass or ten.
COLTS (-5) over Saints
The Saints have gotten blown out on the road twice this year by soft teams that air the ball out: 31-19 to AZ & 39-17 to the Eagles. I see that happening again here, especially with the return of Ahmad Rashad Bradshaw, fantasy team savior. And yes, I do realize I’m picking the team that pulled this shit while only down six points at home …
… that elicited this face from the dingus who called the play.
COLTS (-5) over Saints
I bet this game immediately when the line posted. I actually gave 5.5 and still feel good about it. The Falcons were due for a loss and letdowns don’t necessarily come against good teams. The Saints are exactly the kind of squad that lets Stella get her groove back. Especially if Stella is a 6’5’’giant with a neck beard. Not to mention the Saints Defensive Coordinator is the football equivalent of Billy Baldwin.
Raiders (+4) over CHARGERS
Just read a great stat that says the Chargers are playing their third (THIRD!!!) game in 14 days, while the Raiders are coming off of their bye week. Furthermore, the Chargers are not good at football.
Raiders (+4) over CHARGERS
I like the way this Raiders team is headed. The Chargers are the first team in NFL history that has a home field disadvantage and my bold prediction…Woodson picks another and they run the highlight of him flashing the Heisman. Raiders win this game straight up.
GIANTS (-4) over Cowboys
Apparently Dallas is starting Matt Cassel this weekend, so let’s take a moment of silence to acknowledge the three straight weeks we got to bet against Brandon Weeden.
Cowboys (+4) over GIANTS
I don’t care if Jamarcus Russell is starting for the Cowboys after ingesting a full bottle of lean. Tom Coughlin is the first coach to prohibit run plays. The historically potent Giants offense hasn’t shown signs of fireworks since JPP’s 4th of July party. Too soon? Cowboys control the line of scrimmage and lose by a FG.
PANTHERS (-3.5) over Eagles
Last week I said Carolina was essentially Cam, Greg Olsen, and then Cam once more for good measure. They then went out and pretty much beat Seattle by themselves. I love Cam so much. He’s everything I wanted Vince Young to be. Seriously, look how open Olsen is on this game winner. Simmons brought it up this week, but are we sure Seattle’s D is still that hard? I have my suspicions.
Eagles (+3.5) over PANTHERS
Overrated vs. Overachieving and I think you answered your own question. Was the Seattle victory something for the Panthers to hang their hat on? I don’t think so. The Vegas Power Rankings as reported by ESPN have the Panthers tied as the 12th best team in the league. The Eagles? 7th. I’ll take the field goal and a half…actually scratch that let’s ride the money line.
CARDS (-7.5) over Ravens
Baltimore is a few shanked kicks away from being 0-6, and I think a pretty good Cardinals team is out for blood after getting dressed down by the immortal Landry Jones last week. That said, I’ve LOVED the Cards twice this year, and they’ve lost outright both times. You figure it out.
Ravens (+7.5) over CARDS
I can’t figure this Cardinals team out. What’s so good about ‘em? Why is everyone on their jock and how the hell do they keep winning? Their best skill position player is Andre Ellington? Here are three speed ratings in Madden 16. Can you guess the players?
- Player A: 83
- Player B: 82
- Player C: 81
Answers in order: Blaine Gabbert, Larry Fitz, Christian Ponder. If Madden has given up on him then I have too. Cards win this game but I’m not giving more than a TD to Carson Palmer unless I absolutely have to. (Bengals fans nodding solemnly).
Last Week: 4 – 9 – 1
Season: 45 – 41 – 4
illiterate sports 