Every now and again, it’s important to take a long hard look in the mirror and realize you might need a little gambling timeout. Just a little T-O. During what is now being widely regarded as the Gambling Armageddon of 2015 Week 4 (**editors note: pretty sure it’s just me calling it that, whatever), I lost all but $50 of my SB account because the supposed juggernaut, Super Bowl contending Cardinals of Arizona couldn’t beat the immortal Nick Foles at home. So what did I do? I obviously got bored at work on Monday, opened up the casino feature on SB (**editors note: DON’T EVER, EVER, EVER DO THIS), got that up to about $120, and then promptly ran it down to $0.54 (yes, cents), all in the span of about seven minutes. I really started to think I might be John Anthony, and then I got metaphorically peed on in the park. So yeah, time for a timeout.
Per the usual, all of the games I really liked hit, and I was left to rue my lack of control and unbelievably unhealthy fetish for teasers & parlays. The good news is that I made all my picks from a balcony in Cabo after a full day of an open bar and still went 7 – 6 – 1. The lesson here, as always – all things in moderation.
TEASE OF THE WEEK:
Last week I told you to tease the Broncos & Steelers. I hope you did that. Then I said toss in the Ravens if you were feeling frisky. I hope you were not feeling frisky. This week, it’s the heavy favorites whom I see winning by a combined 1,000 points or so – Packers & Pats, both (-10.5). And again if you’re trying to get loose, throw in the Donkeys at (-4.5).
On to the picks, all from Sportsbook as of 3:00pm PST, Thursday afternoon.
Falcons (-3.5) over SAINTS
Had to re-write what I had here, as I picked the Falcons, and they immediately got blown out. This whole division is trash, and I’m already down 0 – 1 on the week. Sonofabitch.
Broncos (-4.5) over BROWNS
Just watch this clip.
Von Miller is my favorite Bronco since Steve Atwater, and it’s not even particularly close. Seriously. Watch it again. He okie-dokes that lineman so hard it looks like he just passes out, sacks Carr with some sort of flying feet-first death leap, strips and corrals the ball all in one sexual motion, then high-steps his ass off the field like a goddamn high school band leader. Just beautiful. Our offense is obviously still atrocious, but we’re 4 – 1 ATS, and about to break poor Josh McCown into a million tiny pieces. Tease the f*ck out of this game.
Bengals (-3.5) over BILLS
I picked the Bills here originally just by default, as I still can’t get off my attraction to them. Then I took a gander at the injury report and promptly flipped the switch. If Tyrod can’t play, we’re probably looking at EJ Manuel. Furthermore your honor, I actually believe in these Bengals after their comeback on Seattle last week. This obviously means Andy Dalton reminds us all he’s Andy Dalton and the Bills roll. Sigh.
VIKINGS (-4) over Chefs
I was trying to think of a humorous way to discuss the shockingly sad tailspin the Chefs find themselves in, and although it has nothing to do with football, this is what I came up with:
Before Michael Jordan and John Elway, Kit Cloudkicker was legit my childhood idol. That show was dope.
JAGUARS (-1) over Texans
Here’s a fun game – side-by-side stats of a surefire HOF QB and a total punchline:
QB1: 108-189, 1,299 yards, 10 TDs, 4 picks, 87.2 QBR
QB2: 120-189, 1,234 yards, 6 TDs, 7 picks, 77.3 QBR
The first is Blake Bortles. The second is Peyton Manning. Blake fucking Bortles.
Bears (+3) over LIONS
I really wanted to go with Detroit in this one, as it’s hard to picture them going 0 – 6, but then I remembered that last week the Lions decided Dan Orlovsky gave them a better chance than Matthew Stafford. Good luck with that.
The Washington Racists (+6) over JETS
For the life of me, I can’t get a read on the Racists. They’ve ruined suicide pools, fantasy teams, teases, picks, dinners, a graduation, an interview, one wedding and supposedly one presidential election (that I know about). So I’m just going to take my points here.
Cards (-4) over STEELERS**
I like the Cards to cover four here if** Big Ben stays on the sideline. In that scenario, we get an opportunistic Arizona defense ripping Old Yeller to shreds while Le’Veon tries to win the game all by himself. That worked against the hapless Chargers, it won’t work here. If he plays, this maybe goes to a pick-em, in which case I’m staying the f*ck away.
TITANS (-2) over Dolphins
The last two Dolphins anyone gave a shit about were Snowflake and Ray Finkle. What do I know about Ray Finkle?
Carolina (+7) over SEAHAWKS
I believe that Seattle is a much, MUCH better team here. Carolina is 4 – 0, but their opponents are a combined 5 – 20 and their offense consists of Cam, Greg Olsen & Cam once more. Yet, I see this is one of those classic Seattle 13-10 snoozefests.
PACKERS (-10.5) over Chargers
During last Monday’s game when the Chargers were choking away the game to the Steelers, Rivers had to go to a silent count because the Pittsburgh fans were so loud. This was IN San Diego. Good luck in Santa Monica next year fellas. As to the game – can’t stop now, ride the Packers until the wheels fall off.
49ERS (+2.5) over Ravens
So the 49ers take the Giants to the wire in New York, while the Ravens poop their pants and let Josh McCown throw for 457 yards and upset them at home. Obviously, this makes the Ravens road favorites flying all the way to the west coast. 49ers ML all day.
Patriots (-10.5) over COLTS
The latest, and I’d wager greatest, stop on the ‘Fuck You, I’m Tom Brady‘ revenge tour. Obviously nobody on the Colts has seen The Wire, or else they’d know that snitches get stitches. They couldn’t make this line high enough.
Giants (+3.5) over EAGLES
I have absolutely zero read on either of these teams, so I took the Giants because I’ve taken way too many favorites this week. That’s really the only reason. Stay away, stay away, stay away.
Last Week: 7 – 6 – 1
Season: 41 – 32 – 3
illiterate sports 