To all seven of my loyal readers, I have three words for you this week: proceed with caution. I really, really, really hope we don’t have a pattern here, but we very well might. Week 1: 12 – 3 – 1. Week 2: 6 – 10. Week 3: 11 – 5. Maybe it’s just a small step on the way back to what I really am – a near .500 gambler. Or, OR, maybe it’s another brick being paved on my golden road to gambling immortality. You never know. Either way, this is how I spent my Sunday & Monday evenings:
Gambling is a fickle bitch.
TEASE OF THE WEEK:
As with the rest of my gambling record this year, the tease of the week is 2-1. If you heeded my advice and rode the Broncos, Steelers, Packers & Cards, you may have almost recovered from that time I told you to lay a second mortgage on the Rams. Again, don’t ever listen to me. Except when I’m right. Last week was a bonanza. This week, the lines are atrocious, but they’re just begging to be teased six ways from Sunday. Your top contenders would be Steelers, Falcons, Bills, Bengals, Packers, Broncos & Cards. Have I already laid a six-team teaser? Maybe. Will it win? Absolutely not. But goddamn is it fun to watch that payout multiply every time you add a team. I’m the very definition of a sucker.
On to the picks. All lines as of 5:00pm PST on Wednesday, as I’m going out of town Thursday night and my editor (me) is demanding I turn this in early (so I can drink wine all weekend).
STEELERS (+3) over Ravens
For those of you scoring at home, the switch from Pig Pen Big Ben to PETA activist Mike Vick was worth a solid seven or eight points. Steelers hosting the 0-3 Ravens at home with Ben, you’ve got to think they’re -4 or -5. Sub in Old Yeller, they’re 3pt dogs. Sorry, the Ravens aren’t good. Steelers moneyline it is. And just for fun, some Le’veon Bell highlights. He’s the best.
MIAMI (+2) over Jets
BOOOOOOOOOOOO. Hate this game. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. But I feel like it’s one of those ‘our coach is about to get fired, let’s play one coherent game’ games.
COLTS (-9) over Jags
Will someone please call Thoros of Myr to come revive the corpse of Andre Johnson? He’s a $21 million doughnut. (If you got that joke, I love you.)
FALCONS (-7) over Texans
After two abysmal seasons, it would seem the Falcons are back to their old ways of being the biggest dick-tease in the NFL – rolling through a horrible division for the joy of getting throttled in the playoffs. Lucky for them, they get the Houston Mallett’s this week. TEASE! TEASE! TEASE!
Panthers (-3.5) over BUCS
Nobody likes hearing about other people’s fantasy teams, but hear me out. I have Aaron Rodgers (more on him later), and took Cam just for trade bait. Just so happens the guy I’m playing this week had Big Ben and was desperate for a QB. So I traded Cam and have to play him the same week. Crane’s Law of Fantasy (anything bad that can happen to my team, WILL happen to my team) says Cam throws for fourteen touchdowns. Just sayin’.
BILLS (-5.5) over Giants
TYROD TAYLOR! SAMMY WATKINS! SHADY! REX RYAN! THE MOTHEFUCKING BUFFALO BILLS Y’ALL! Hit it Boomer.
Raiders (-3) over BEARS
Remember the South Park episode where they have to choose to vote for the Giant Douche or the Turd Sandwich? That’s this game.
Eagles (-3.5) over THE WASHINGTON PIGSKINS
Doesn’t matter who they play, I’m picking against the Pigskins until they bring back Black Jesus. In other news, their fans continue to entertain.
https://twitter.com/HuffPostSports/status/647218677604052992/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
BENGALS (-4.5) over Chefs
I have this obviously ridiculous theory in my head that if I would’ve just dedicated myself, I could’ve been an NFL quarterback. You want to know what keeps this delusion alive? Alex Smith & his arsenal of screen passes. This line is probably a point and a half too high due to the curb stomping they took Monday night, but there’s a good chance the Chefs are in a Top Gun-esque tailspin they’re not getting out of any time soon.
Browns (+7.5) over CHARGERS
What exactly have the Chargers done to make me believe they can cover more than a touchdown against anybody? Was it the fact that they let AP take the switch to them last week? The fact that they’re down three-fifths of their offensive line? The fact that they’re getting ready to move to Santa Monica next year? FOH Chargers.
Packers (-9.5) over 49ERS
Things Aaron Rodgers has done this year, ranked:
- Made fun of Russell Wilson for believing god gives a shit about football games (maybe the All-Mighty is a gambler?).
- Calmly deflected several hot takes saying he’s the MJ of the NFL.
- Note: he actually might be.
- Brought me back from 60 & 37pt deficits in both of my leagues, respectively.
- Finished off the backend of three separate teases for me.
- Made me write the sentence below without a hint of irony.
You know that scene in Braveheart where the English lord claims his right to prima nocta, then gets to sleep with the Scottish dude’s wife & sets off Mel’s rebellion? Well if I was the Scottish dude & Rodgers was the nobleman, not only would I not be mad, I’d probably ask for a photo. My absolute favorite QB of all-time (non-Elway division). I said it last week & I’m sticking to it – riding the Pack until the wheels fall off.
BRONCOS (-7) over Vikings
The only thing that worries me about this game is which sack dance Von is going to break out after he takes Bridgewater’s lunch money (I know, I know – famous last words). TEASE! TEASE! TEASE!
CARDS (-7) over Rams
File this under sentences I never thought I’d say: the Arizona Cardinals might be a juggernaut. Tease the shit out of this game.
Dallas (+5.5) over SAINTS
With Tony Romo, the Cowboys are good. With Drew Brees, the Saints are still atrocious. So takeaway the QBs, and the Cowboys are better than the Saints? Somehow that makes sense in my head. They might win, but it’ll be close.
SEATTLE (-10) over Detroit
If the Lions couldn’t stay within ten of us in Detroit, they got a snowball’s chance in hell of doing it in Seattle. Yet I still hate this pick, and will not be touching it.
Last Week: 11 – 5 – 0
Season: 29 – 17 – 1
illiterate sports 