Let’s start this week off with a quick summary of how last week went for me.

In short, it did not go well.  The euphoria of 13-3 (which was actually 12-3-1, thank you to the lone reader I have) may have gone to my head. I had three absolute LOCKS against the spread (Dolphins, Ravens, Rams), and not only did they not cover my ‘Tease Of The Week’, they fucking lost outright.  Shame. In my defense, I saw it coming. To quote myself:

This is about glory.  Oh, who am I kidding, everything is about money, and I’m back in this weekend … meaning, obviously, do NOT follow my picks, because I’m probably going 1-15.

It wasn’t quite 1-15, but 6-10 still my spirits did crush.  I even jumped back on the wagon, re-upped my Sportsbook, and then proceeded to lose back every penny – culminating with Andrew The Giant Luck’s five turnover self-immolation on Monday night.  My only saving grace was going 2-0 in my fantasy leagues – the first time that has happened since the Kennedy administration (related: the sheer fact that I even mentioned that probably means I don’t win another game this season, whatever).

But you know what they say … can’t win if you don’t play.

TEASE OF THE WEEK:

Dealer’s choice, pick two: Steelers, Broncos, Cardinals, Packers. I’ll probably pick all four. God save us.

On to the picks. All lines as of noon PST on Thursday, 9/24.

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GIANTS (-3.5) over The Washington Snyders

First up in the holy-shit-was-I-wrong department, the Washington Snyders. So far this season, they’ve publicly crucified the franchise quarterback who they gave up three first round picks for and may end up straight up releasing, had their fans openly rebel against the team (including a maniacally devoted buddy of mine, who when asked about his team texted me ‘fuck them, their racist ass name & their midget owner’), been left for dead after a piss-poor performance in Week 1, then ruined roughly 300 million suicide pools by upsetting the (apparently) equally inept Rams last week. You figure it out.

Steelers (-1.5) over ST. LOUIS

I’ve always kind of liked the Steelers, as long as they weren’t playing the Donkeys. Why?  I don’t know. Maybe because that’s where Kordell Stewart became Slash once upon a time? Yeah, let’s go with that. One more time for the kids, because any excuse is a good excuse to embed this gem.

So back to the Steelers. I don’t think they can really win anything with that dumpster-fire of a defense, but goddamn is their offense awesome (portly, rapey QB aside).  Antonio Brown is a cyborg who looks like a lego, they somehow made Deangelo Williams (DEANGELO WILLIAMS!) into a decent fantasy RB, they get Le’veon Bell back this week & they’re the first team to really embrace the ‘f*ck you, we’re going for 2’ option of the new extra point rules.  Just a joy to watch.

I also told everyone to take out a second mortgage and lay it on the Rams last week. I hope nobody did that.

Chargers (+2.5) over VIKINGS

I was dead wrong about the Vikings last week, but the only full game I’ve seen of either of these teams was when SF embarrassed them on the opening MNF.  Is that a good reason to keep picking against them?  Of course not. Do I care? Not in the least.  Will I learn my lesson if they win again?  Doubtful.  Chargers win outright.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) over TEXANS

In one of my favorite Dave Chapelle skits, he’s being asked what it would take for him to admit it was actually R. Kelly in his infamous sextape. He says he’d need to physically see him in the tape while singing ‘piss on you’, with two forms of government ID, a police officer, and his grandmother there to confirm his identity. What does this have to do with the game?  I’d need all of that shit to ever give 6.5pts to Ryan Mallett. Plus a good excuse to watch the skit. Come back to us Dave.

JETS (-2) over Eagles

Do the Eagles suck? Are the Jets (gasp!) good? These are two of life’s greatest mysteries.  All I know is that I spent $7 of my waiver-wire money on the Jets D, so there’s a solid chance the Eagles drop 50 on ’em.

Saints (+6.5) over PANTHERS

I think its time I, and the rest of America, moved on from our love affair with the Saints. They’re like a girl you had a really awesome weekend with one time who figured out a way to stick around for five years.  They also pooped on my suicide pool last week. Thanks for that. FOH Saints. Conversely, I think I could suit up and immediately be the #1 wideout for Carolina this weekend. They win, but shouldn’t be giving a TD to anyone.

NEW ENGLAND**** (-14) over Jacksonville

I wondered before the season if New England would kind of fall apart after losing 90% of their defense and dealing with deflated balls and Brady’s suspension all offseason, or if they’d unleash the scorched earth policy on everyone. After two weeks, here’s our answer: fuck you, I’m Tom Brady. So I have a theory. In the American cinematic masterpiece Ghostbusters II, all of the ghosts are powered by a pink sludge that only grows stronger from the negative attitudes of New Yorkers. So our heroes combat that by riding the Statue of Liberty around town, pumping Jackie Wilson’s ‘Higher & Higher’ through speakers and generally showering the city with love.  Everyone bashes the Pats constantly, so maybe we start hurling compliments at them & play Jackie Wilson at their road games. It’s worth a shot. Plus, Jackie Wilson is the fucking man.

Bengals (+2.5) over RAVENS

This is my second of three games where I think a 2.5 road dog wins outright. The Ravens’ season exploded around the same time as Terrell Suggs’ achilles, depriving us of my favorite moment in all of the NFL: when he goes straight J’dinkalage Morgoone and intros himself & his alma mater as ‘Sizzle’ & ‘Ball So Hard University’, respectively.

BROWNS (-3.5) over Oakland

So you’re the Cleveland Browns. You’ve been a miserable disgrace of a franchise since rejoining the league in 1999.  Since then, this is your murderer’s row of starting quarterbacks & their respective W/L records:

• Tim Couch / 22-37
• Ty Detmer / 0-2
• Doug Pederson / 1-7
• Spergon Wynn (note: Spergon? Yup, Spergon.) / 0-1
• Kelly Holcomb / 4-8
• Jeff Garcia / 3-7
• Luke McCown / 0-4
• Trent Dilfer / 4-7
• Charlie Frye / 6-13
• Derek Anderson / 16-18
• Brady Quinn / 3-9
• Ken Dorsey / 0-3
• Bruce Gradkowski / 0-1
• Colt McCoy / 6-15
• Jake Delhomme / 2-2
• Seneca Wallace / 1-6
• Brandon Weeden / 5-15
• Thad Lewis / 0-1
• Jason Campbell / 1-7
• Brian Hoyer the Destroyer / 10-6
• Connor Shaw / 0-1
• Johnny Football / 1-2
• Josh McCown / 0-1

Read that list again. Amazing. So their second relationship with a McCown brother looked like it was going to be yet another in a long line of distinguished Browns one-night-stands when ol’ Josh got a concussion and they had to hand the reins to our boy Johnny (related: I’m all-in on Johnny Football.  He might suck at QB, but he’s a total dick and fun to watch, and that’s what really matters). Johnny only completed eight passes last week, but two of them were touchdowns, and they WON. He also fumbled twice, but that’s the whole point with him – you can’t look away. Then they benched him. Isn’t being the somewhat interesting Browns better than just being the Browns? Spergon, man.

Colts (-3.5) over TITANS

So I actually tried out all three teams on my ‘Tease of the Week’ list last week, and got murdered on all of them.  I may have enjoyed an adult beverage or two while said games took place.  All of this may have lead to me letting the remainder of my account ride on a Packers / Colts moneyline parlay. The only concern I had here was the Pack, as they had Seattle, and the Colts were like -350 on MNF. Pack rolled, while the Colts threw feces at their own fans on national TV. I cannot believe I’m still picking them, but it’s hard to see them 0-3, and I’m pretty sure the Titans are turrible.

Falcons (-2) over COWBOYS

Here’s what that old pervert Jerry Jones had to say about his new starting QB:

“This quarterback Weeden can drive the ball downfield,” Jones said, on 105.3 The Fan’s New School show [KRLD-FM], per the Dallas News. “He’s a thing of beauty on throwing the football. His passing motion and his arm, frankly, you won’t see a more gifted passer, power, accuracy, the entire aspect of it.”

‘This quarterback Weeden.’  It sounds like he’s reading a fucking high school scouting report. I bet he thinks his first name is Troy. Repeat after me: I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden.

CARDINALS (-6.5) over 49ers

This is part 2 in our 69-part series on why 49ers fans are the worst in the league (last week was their hatred of their own QB): the savages are in the news so often for horrible fights and beatings at their games (see: exhibit A, exhibit B, exhibit C) that the Santa Clara (ha, they don’t even play in SF anymore) city council is trying to ban alcohol after halftime of their games. They’re like a shitty college team whose fans fight because their team sucks and there aren’t any girls at the party.  Also, I think the Cardinals might be really good.

SEATTLE (-15) over Bears

The Bears sucked with Jay Cutler. Without him? Jimmy Clausen? Seattle getting Kam back? In Seattle? They couldn’t make this line high enough.

Bills (+2.5) over DOLPHINS

As promised, the third of my +2.5 road dogs whom I think will win outright.  I know, I know, I know. I picked the Bills to win last week. But that was against Belichek, Brady and the extra-lovable Pats. That was dumb. But that pick I gave you last week?  That pick? It’s nothing. This pick? This pick right here? Probably wrong too.

Denver (-3.5) over LIONS

Come on. After that roller coaster of a game last week? I’m not picking against us until we lose. Also – I really think it’s way more fun to root for a hard-ass defense than a high-flying offense. It just opens up so many more avenues to talk shit. I can’t wait to have twin boys, demand that we name them Von & Aqib, and then get sent immediately to the divorce lawyer’s office.

PACKERS (-7) over Chiefs

Riding the Pack until the wheels fall off.

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Last Week: 6 – 10 – 0

Season: 18 – 12 – 1