I love absolutely everything about football season. I’m also a compulsive gambler.  I’ve been picking almost every game for the last few years anyway, now I’ve just decided to put it out into the public sphere so you can all mock me. My first real gambling season was  2010, when I rode the 9ers & Packers all season, fell in love with parlays and turned a $100 buy-in into almost $3,000.  This is way too easy, I thought.  I’m such a sucker. Since then, I think I’m down four or five million (approximately), and I’ve tried to swear off parlays so many times I feel like I need a support group.  But you know what?  I don’t even care. There’s nothing like riding your morning winnings & laying down a 3-game tease on the afternoon games (more likely: chasing your early losses, whatever) on your way to Sunday glory.  It makes every game more fun.  I love and hate it so very, very much.

A few random thoughts before the picks:

My Super Bowl prediction: Denver over Seattle (would’ve been Den over GB with a healthy Jordy). Related: I’m a ridiculous homer who has an incredibly difficult time following my head instead of my heart.  Does it matter that our 39-year-old QB admitted to having no feeling in the tips of all the fingers on his throwing hand?  Of course not. Those ducks might not be pretty, but they somehow still get there.

If you listen to nothing else I say this week, just tease the Broncos & Packers and thank me later.

Is there anything better than listening to girlfriends / wives complain that ‘you watched football last Sunday’ and then explaining to them that you’ll be doing this every Sunday during football season for the rest of your life … Mondays too … and most Thursdays … and Saturdays when there’s a good college game on?  I say no.

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Football is back, and it’s beautiful. On to the picks (all lines from Sportsbook.com) …

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NEW ENGLAND**** (-7) over Pittsburgh

Picked this one yesterday, before making hundreds of cheating jokes & watching Pittsburgh have no idea who Rob Gronkowski was.

Before I get to my Brady rant, this might be my favorite fun fact of all time: last night has to be the first time opposing teams faced off with suspended players who are out because they got caught smoking weed together. Le’veon Bell & LeGarrette Blount everybody. Take a bow.

On to Tom. Let’s review some of the highlights of the Luckiest Man Alive. To save space, we’ll start with his pro career and skip the years he probably slept with all of his friends girlfriends in high school and college. Drafted in the 6th round, he seemed destined to enjoy the leisurely life of an NFL backup QB.  You know, get to be a millionaire for practicing a lot and generally not doing shit. Then, the All-Pro in front of him gets hurt, he gets thrust into action for a ridiculously good team that was just kicking off its run of the most successful cheating system this side of Tiger Woods.  One still unexplainable Tuck Rule later, he wins a Super Bowl and inherits a dynasty.  Now he has four Super Bowls, and he’s debatably the best quarterback of all time.  That’s just football. Let’s check his personal life. Dude was dating a Hollywood starlet, and then dumped her when she was PREGNANT for the hottest supermodel in the entire fucking world. Pregnant. For a Brazilian supermodel. America’s response? ‘Meh, he’s got an adorable chin.’  So this year he finally gets his comeuppance in the form of a four-game suspension. And gets it overturned in federal court. I swear to god, he was the Dalai Lama in a past life. He also got away with this:

I hate you Tom Brady, but goddamn do I respect you.

Green Bay (-7) over CHICAGO

In two games against Da Bears last season, ARod tossed for 617 yards and 10 TDs. However – Rodgers is my starting QB in both of my fantasy leagues, so it’s just as likely that he’s the NFL’s first ever on-field death this season. Proceed with caution.

Kansas City (+1) over HOUSTON

Only chance Houston has at being any good this season is if JJ Watt employs the vaunted Nelson Muntz offense and plays every position on the field while throwing touchdowns to himself. I wouldn’t put it past him, he really might be the baddest fucker on the planet.

JETS (-3) over Browns

Can’t wait to take a beer / bathroom break on Sunday every time this nail-biter comes up on RedZone.

BUFFALO (+3) over Indy

I know, I know, I know. This pick loos like it’s short a chromosome. HOWEVER, it would just be classic Buffalo to surprise a pre-season Super Bowl favorite early in the year, look like a sneaky contender, get all the obese locals all fired up, and then storm their way to another 7-9 season. Hit it Boomer:

Miami (-4) over THE WASHINGTON PRO FOOTBALL TEAM

One time in high school, a buddy of ours who was having a really bad football season, went out of a game with a ‘concussion’ after a football bounced off a punt and hit him in the helmet. That’s 100% what happened to RG3 in the pre-season.  I don’t care what ‘professionals’ or ‘reality’ says, I’m still all-in. I saw Black Jesus in person against the Giants during his rookie season, and there’s no way that dude is worse than Colt McCoy. I want the Broncos to sign him when he gets cut sooooo bad. He was made for a Kubiak bootleg.

Carolina (-3.5) over JACKSONVILLE

Carolina rolls over the Jags, or as the rest of the league lovingly refers to them, The Bye Weeks. Unrelated: wanna know my favorite Cam Newton highlight?  Von Miller is the greatest.

ST. LOUIS (+4.5) over Seattle

Now that the 49ers suck, I think I dislike the NFC West more than any other division in football. They’re like the SEC of the NFL. A bunch of insufferable assholes with superiority complexes, great defenses, and shit offenses.  Oh yeah, Russell Wilson drinks water that prevents concussions, so there’s that. Seattle still wins though.

New Orleans (+2.5) over ARIZONA

Arizona is once again the winner of the Team That Sucks & Has A Ton Of Fantasy Implications award. New Orleans will continue to be loathed by everyone who got suckered into thinking they’re going to run the ball. Question: why do all Alabama running backs suck in the NFL?  They’re like the Duke of football. Weird.

SAN DIEGO (-3) over Detroit

God I hate Phil Rivers.

TAMPA BAY (-3) over Titans

All-in on Doug Martin. All-in on Mike Evans. All-in on Vinny Jackson. All-in on Famous Jameis. All-in on Doug Martin a 2nd time (contract yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear). All-in on the Bucs going 5-11 but being the fantasy darlings of America’s heart.

Bengals (-3.5) over OAKLAND

I’m not even close to kidding when I say the only thing I know about either of these teams is that AJ Green plays for one of them.

DENVER (-5) over Baltimore

We could beat Baltimore by 100 points every time we play them for the next 100 years, and unless every single one of those happened in the playoffs, I still wouldn’t be over the Rahim Moore game. Up 7, :44 seconds, 70 yards, *sigh*. I think we win by 20, but still … that game was like getting dumped, fired, and diagnosed with swine flu all at once.

GIANTS (+6) over Cowboys

Three of my buddies from my longtime fantasy league were drafting at my house, and none of them could figure out why Odell Beckham Jr. was ranked so high. Well here, let me show you:

OBJ is the Steph Curry of the NFL. I’d pay just to watch him warm-up.

Eagles (-3) over FALCONS

Over / under on weeks until Sam Bradford’s ACL’s implode upon themselves: 2.5. Until then, ride the Eagles.

49ERS (+2.5) over Vikings

I hope Navorro Bowman hides a switch in his pants, tackles AP, then whips him in the nuts with it.  Karma is a bitch.

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Season: 0 – 0 – 0