I was born in the 80s and grew up a football fan in Colorado. As such, I fell in love with the CU teams of the 90s that dominated the Big 8, won a national championship, went toe-to-toe with the Nebraska dynasty, gave us 62-36:
and brought us this magical moment in time:
Kordell Stewart for life, man. I promise you, I’m not making this up. We used to be good. Sigh. We have now had nine, count them NINE, consecutive losing seasons, and it hurts my heart. It really does. For the last few years, I’ve just stopped caring. Sure, I like to watch us play, and I want us to win, but losing really has no effect on me one way or another. When you expect to lose, that’s what happens to you. You stop giving a shit.
So let’s go back two years. Stuck in this decade of mediocrity, we hire on rebuilder de jour Mike Macintyre to salvage this already sunken Titanic. His rep goes as such: first season stuck with previous regime’s players & culture – wash; 2nd season with healthy mixture of the two – slight improvement; 3rd season with his guys, bought into his system – eureka! Now, I’ve spent the entire offseason not believing in a wink of this. Until this week. Then, I started reading blogs (unrelated: goddamn you internet), staying up on CU media Twitter, talking to friends. Sure, we were 2 – 10 last year, but we lost SIX GAMES by 10 points or less. Two of those in DOUBLE OT! We also finally raised enough money to open up new facilities that might let us compete in recruiting real talent, while also figuring out (in 2015, mind you) that it may make sense to have an indoor practice facility. You know, because we live in the mountains.
On top of all of that, I really WANT to have a team to root for again. I work with a bunch of self-entitled SEC assholes that can barely read and never shut the fuck up. I need this. So, I’ve decided to suck up the 10pm kick time & watch my boys storm the field. We’re 7-pt favorites against the immortal Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. You’ve got to start somewhere. Fuck ’em up, fuck ’em up, GO CU.
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To summarize this matchup: we have Nike jerseys with silver helmets, and they’re hard as nails. The Rainbow Warriors are wearing Under Armour and are about to get ball-gagged. (see? I’m not only drinking the Kool-aid, I’m straight shotgunning it.)
Buffs ball. Here we go. Let’s put up 7 and show the rest of the PAC-12 we mean business. Three & out. All good. It’s a 1am EST kickoff. Has to be some nerves. We’re still good. Blocked punt. Shit. Still good. Hawaii touchdown. Ok. Two point conversion. That’s just dick. Fuck. 8 – 0 The Immortal Rainbow Warriors. That escalated quickly.
Next possession. Time to shine. Show these men of will what will is really made of. Sacked on the first snap. Ok. Three and out. Damnit.
So, announcer (and yes, they’ll both be referred to as ‘announcer’ from here on out. 1am EST team doesn’t get name-dropped) hits us with this gem: ‘CU trying to improve on one of the worst defenses in the country last year.’ Word. So we obviously make him eat his words & get a pick. Never mind, pass interference, because, of course. Shit. I’m sensing a trend here. But still, those silver unis are clean.
Nice little piece by CBS telling us that Hawaii’s ginger QB who’s making us look ridiculous used to start for USC. Of course he did. That probably means he was at least a 4-star recruit once upon a time. Just look at this dude. He looks like he was born to kill babies and throw touchdowns.
You know how many 4-star recruits CU has? Negative seven. I’m not kidding.
Sidenote #1: there may be nothing I enjoy / lose my shit about in life more than a sports announcer stating his opinion on a play that BLATANTLY goes against the slow-mo replay everyone watching at home sees & knows this dummy is watching in his booth. Just the best.
So, I had another pessimistic sentence ready to roll right here. Something about how I’ve had several cocktails, it’s 11:00pm, we needed a sketchy replay to get our only first down and their coach looks stoned … and then ol’ baby killing ginger throws a pick, and we get 1st & 10 on the HI 30. Something doin’! Aaaaaaaand, we throw a pick right back. On cue, text from a fellow Buff: ‘Duck me.’ ‘Our defenders look like D3 players.’ So, we’re drunk AND we’ve lost hope. With 12:30 left in the 2nd. Return to dominance. But I mean, those jerseys though.
So, literally can’t make this up. After we toss the pick, we get what looks to be a surefire safety. Somehow, the refs decide they got out of the endzone, and we force them to punt from their own 1. They punt, it bounces roughly 10 yards ahead of our deep man … just STAY THE FUCK AWAY. Cool. NO. Does he try to field it in the middle of roughly 17 Rainbow Warriors? Of course he does. Does he fumble it away? Of course he does. But you know who’s not upset? This hero:
For the record, that’s a giant foam CU cowboy hat, black & gold overalls, and two shaka-brahs.
Then, as if to just prove that karma is a thing and I’m a dick for being so negative, we get a pick and score a touchdown two plays later. I just re-read the above. You’d think we just had an on-field death, yet we’re only down 8-7. Not sure if that’s more of an indictment on us or them. Of course the only player on our team who has done anything positive is related to the only good coach we’ve ever had. Sports, man.
Sidenote #2: can’t even lie, I just got way more excited for the A$AP Samsung commercial than I did for any moment of this game. At.Long.Last.A$AP. Hit it.
I swear to god, I might not survive this night. I’m on the most pessimistic group thread this world has ever seen, and it has just started to turn our way. Screams of ‘high school level’ have turned into ‘Liufau looks frisky’, and like that … Hawaii’s ginger dynamo throws a 79-yard TD. HI 15 – 7 CU. But, I’m saying, even when we’re falling down & missing peewee-level tackles, those jerseys though.
I guess I just won’t sleep tonight. CU just took it, put together a helluva drive and punched it in. HI 15 – 14 CU. I’ve declared victory and admitted defeat roughly 20 times each already. Fresh glass of bourbon? Sure. Might even forget about the ice cream sammy I just ate and take down the one I bought the roommate. Before you think about judging me, just look at Red’s happy ass. He’s fucking antagonizing me.
Sidenote #3: confirmed with three different friends, and I can’t stand how this announcer says Hawaii, especially given he’s obviously the opie of this all-star team. We get it, you ate some pineapple, had some BBQ, you’re culturally sensitive & a citizen of the world. Just say it like the rest of us.
Back to the game. CU driving, and gets 3rd & 2 on the HI 40 with roughly a buck and half before the half. Announcing all-stars let us know that CU is 4 for 4 on 3rd downs tonight when less than 4 yards. You’ll never believe this, but we fumbled. Sonofabitch.
That’s two dogshit PI calls that have gone against us that this crack team of analysts has failed to acknowledge. ‘There’s no faceguarding in college’ he says, right as the slow-mo shows Witherspoon get there exactly on time with the ball. Trust me, the refs do NOT need to help these dudes. We’ll fuck it up ourselves. As we go to the half, it’s HI 18 – 14 CU.
Summary of that immaculate display of football superiority these two contenders put on in the first half:
Alright, we kick to start the 2nd and I’ve made a promise to myself – stay positive. So far, so good. We force a 3 & out to start. It’s 12:19am here, and I’m sticking to water until something bad happens. This is the latest my old ass has stayed up in weeks.
Nice little drive here by CU. On a serious note, Philip Lindsay is legit. I like him even more finding out that he’s from Aurora. And despite my negativity, I love Liufau. He gets put in shit situation after shit situation, and just stands in there and takes it. Dude’s tough as nails. Watch him break out the truck stick here:
Field goal good, and we trail by 1. HI 18 – 17 CU. I’m tired. But seriously, our jerseys look good.
Another 3 & out by Hawaii, and my original fear has turned into understanding as to why USC let this baby-killing ginger walk. He’s not good. 7:55 left in the 3rd, Buffs ball. *knocks furiously on coffee table*
It’d probably be great, not just for my state of mind but for my sobriety, if they could stop bringing up the fact that we’ve had 9 straight losing seasons. I have to go to work tomorrow.
Damn. 4:37 left in the 3rd. We sack up and go for it on 4th & 3. Don’t get it. I don’t care what this Bill Walton wannabe says, I love that call. Let’s hope ex-USC ginger doesn’t find his mojo. And did you see our jerseys?
Both teams look extremely anemic now, and are trading sad possession for sad possession. I’ve taken the opportunity to go back and write the intro. Our offense looks tired and confused, and Hawaii just punched in another TD. Start of 4th, HI 25 – 17 CU. My roommate is asleep on the couch, and I just brushed my teeth so that I wouldn’t pour another bourbon. The Rainbows are marching and just kicked another field goal. HI 28 – 17 CU. I’m losing my zest here. If we don’t score on the next possession, sleep it shall be. I’ll have to recap our epic comeback by reading the stories from real journalists in the morning. Punt. Goodnight.
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*Wakes up.* *Checks ESPN.* *Hungover, can’t read.* *28-20.* *fuck.*
Sadly, there would be no comeback in the aloha state, proving to the 25 people in attendance and dozens watching on TV that we are, in fact, back! You could say we only lost by 8 and showed some grit. But I’m a compulsive gambler, so I’d add in the 7, call it 15, and tell you you’re dumb. The good news? We’re in the PAC-12, which is armed to the teeth and widely considered the best conference in America. Time for another ‘just hope we beat CSU to save face’ season.
The bad news? After sleeping on it, I think I hate those fucking jerseys. At least I didn’t eat the 2nd ice cream sammy. I feel so alone.
illiterate sports 