Let’s start this week off with a quick summary of how last week went for me.

In short, it did not go well.  The euphoria of 13-3 (which was actually 12-3-1, thank you to the lone reader I have) may have gone to my head. I had three absolute LOCKS against the spread (Dolphins, Ravens, Rams), and not only did they not cover my ‘Tease Of The Week’, they fucking lost outright.  Shame. In my defense, I saw it coming. To quote myself:

This is about glory.  Oh, who am I kidding, everything is about money, and I’m back in this weekend … meaning, obviously, do NOT follow my picks, because I’m probably going 1-15.

It wasn’t quite 1-15, but 6-10 still my spirits did crush.  I even jumped back on the wagon, re-upped my Sportsbook, and then proceeded to lose back every penny – culminating with Andrew The Giant Luck’s five turnover self-immolation on Monday night.  My only saving grace was going 2-0 in my fantasy leagues – the first time that has happened since the Kennedy administration (related: the sheer fact that I even mentioned that probably means I don’t win another game this season, whatever).

But you know what they say … can’t win if you don’t play.

TEASE OF THE WEEK:

Dealer’s choice, pick two: Steelers, Broncos, Cardinals, Packers. I’ll probably pick all four. God save us.

On to the picks. All lines as of noon PST on Thursday, 9/24.

GIANTS (-3.5) over The Washington Snyders

First up in the holy-shit-was-I-wrong department, the Washington Snyders. So far this season, they’ve publicly crucified the franchise quarterback who they gave up three first round picks for and may end up straight up releasing, had their fans openly rebel against the team (including a maniacally devoted buddy of mine, who when asked about his team texted me ‘fuck them, their racist ass name & their midget owner’), been left for dead after a piss-poor performance in Week 1, then ruined roughly 300 million suicide pools by upsetting the (apparently) equally inept Rams last week. You figure it out.

Steelers (-1.5) over ST. LOUIS

I’ve always kind of liked the Steelers, as long as they weren’t playing the Donkeys. Why?  I don’t know. Maybe because that’s where Kordell Stewart became Slash once upon a time? Yeah, let’s go with that. One more time for the kids, because any excuse is a good excuse to embed this gem.

So back to the Steelers. I don’t think they can really win anything with that dumpster-fire of a defense, but goddamn is their offense awesome (portly, rapey QB aside).  Antonio Brown is a cyborg who looks like a lego, they somehow made Deangelo Williams (DEANGELO WILLIAMS!) into a decent fantasy RB, they get Le’veon Bell back this week & they’re the first team to really embrace the ‘f*ck you, we’re going for 2’ option of the new extra point rules.  Just a joy to watch.

I also told everyone to take out a second mortgage and lay it on the Rams last week. I hope nobody did that.

Chargers (+2.5) over VIKINGS

I was dead wrong about the Vikings last week, but the only full game I’ve seen of either of these teams was when SF embarrassed them on the opening MNF.  Is that a good reason to keep picking against them?  Of course not. Do I care? Not in the least.  Will I learn my lesson if they win again?  Doubtful.  Chargers win outright.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) over TEXANS

In one of my favorite Dave Chapelle skits, he’s being asked what it would take for him to admit it was actually R. Kelly in his infamous sextape. He says he’d need to physically see him in the tape while singing ‘piss on you’, with two forms of government ID, a police officer, and his grandmother there to confirm his identity. What does this have to do with the game?  I’d need all of that shit to ever give 6.5pts to Ryan Mallett. Plus a good excuse to watch the skit. Come back to us Dave.

JETS (-2) over Eagles

Do the Eagles suck? Are the Jets (gasp!) good? These are two of life’s greatest mysteries.  All I know is that I spent $7 of my waiver-wire money on the Jets D, so there’s a solid chance the Eagles drop 50 on ’em.

Saints (+6.5) over PANTHERS

I think its time I, and the rest of America, moved on from our love affair with the Saints. They’re like a girl you had a really awesome weekend with one time who figured out a way to stick around for five years.  They also pooped on my suicide pool last week. Thanks for that. FOH Saints. Conversely, I think I could suit up and immediately be the #1 wideout for Carolina this weekend. They win, but shouldn’t be giving a TD to anyone.

NEW ENGLAND**** (-14) over Jacksonville

I wondered before the season if New England would kind of fall apart after losing 90% of their defense and dealing with deflated balls and Brady’s suspension all offseason, or if they’d unleash the scorched earth policy on everyone. After two weeks, here’s our answer: fuck you, I’m Tom Brady. So I have a theory. In the American cinematic masterpiece Ghostbusters II, all of the ghosts are powered by a pink sludge that only grows stronger from the negative attitudes of New Yorkers. So our heroes combat that by riding the Statue of Liberty around town, pumping Jackie Wilson’s ‘Higher & Higher’ through speakers and generally showering the city with love.  Everyone bashes the Pats constantly, so maybe we start hurling compliments at them & play Jackie Wilson at their road games. It’s worth a shot. Plus, Jackie Wilson is the fucking man.

Bengals (+2.5) over RAVENS

This is my second of three games where I think a 2.5 road dog wins outright. The Ravens’ season exploded around the same time as Terrell Suggs’ achilles, depriving us of my favorite moment in all of the NFL: when he goes straight J’dinkalage Morgoone and intros himself & his alma mater as ‘Sizzle’ & ‘Ball So Hard University’, respectively.

BROWNS (-3.5) over Oakland

So you’re the Cleveland Browns. You’ve been a miserable disgrace of a franchise since rejoining the league in 1999.  Since then, this is your murderer’s row of starting quarterbacks & their respective W/L records:

• Tim Couch / 22-37
• Ty Detmer / 0-2
• Doug Pederson / 1-7
• Spergon Wynn (note: Spergon? Yup, Spergon.) / 0-1
• Kelly Holcomb / 4-8
• Jeff Garcia / 3-7
• Luke McCown / 0-4
• Trent Dilfer / 4-7
• Charlie Frye / 6-13
• Derek Anderson / 16-18
• Brady Quinn / 3-9
• Ken Dorsey / 0-3
• Bruce Gradkowski / 0-1
• Colt McCoy / 6-15
• Jake Delhomme / 2-2
• Seneca Wallace / 1-6
• Brandon Weeden / 5-15
• Thad Lewis / 0-1
• Jason Campbell / 1-7
• Brian Hoyer the Destroyer / 10-6
• Connor Shaw / 0-1
• Johnny Football / 1-2
• Josh McCown / 0-1

Read that list again. Amazing. So their second relationship with a McCown brother looked like it was going to be yet another in a long line of distinguished Browns one-night-stands when ol’ Josh got a concussion and they had to hand the reins to our boy Johnny (related: I’m all-in on Johnny Football.  He might suck at QB, but he’s a total dick and fun to watch, and that’s what really matters). Johnny only completed eight passes last week, but two of them were touchdowns, and they WON. He also fumbled twice, but that’s the whole point with him – you can’t look away. Then they benched him. Isn’t being the somewhat interesting Browns better than just being the Browns? Spergon, man.

Colts (-3.5) over TITANS

So I actually tried out all three teams on my ‘Tease of the Week’ list last week, and got murdered on all of them.  I may have enjoyed an adult beverage or two while said games took place.  All of this may have lead to me letting the remainder of my account ride on a Packers / Colts moneyline parlay. The only concern I had here was the Pack, as they had Seattle, and the Colts were like -350 on MNF. Pack rolled, while the Colts threw feces at their own fans on national TV. I cannot believe I’m still picking them, but it’s hard to see them 0-3, and I’m pretty sure the Titans are turrible.

Falcons (-2) over COWBOYS

Here’s what that old pervert Jerry Jones had to say about his new starting QB:

“This quarterback Weeden can drive the ball downfield,” Jones said, on 105.3 The Fan’s New School show [KRLD-FM], per the Dallas News. “He’s a thing of beauty on throwing the football. His passing motion and his arm, frankly, you won’t see a more gifted passer, power, accuracy, the entire aspect of it.”

‘This quarterback Weeden.’  It sounds like he’s reading a fucking high school scouting report. I bet he thinks his first name is Troy. Repeat after me: I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden. I will not gamble on Brandon Weeden.

CARDINALS (-6.5) over 49ers

This is part 2 in our 69-part series on why 49ers fans are the worst in the league (last week was their hatred of their own QB): the savages are in the news so often for horrible fights and beatings at their games (see: exhibit A, exhibit B, exhibit C) that the Santa Clara (ha, they don’t even play in SF anymore) city council is trying to ban alcohol after halftime of their games. They’re like a shitty college team whose fans fight because their team sucks and there aren’t any girls at the party.  Also, I think the Cardinals might be really good.

SEATTLE (-15) over Bears

The Bears sucked with Jay Cutler. Without him? Jimmy Clausen? Seattle getting Kam back? In Seattle? They couldn’t make this line high enough.

Bills (+2.5) over DOLPHINS

As promised, the third of my +2.5 road dogs whom I think will win outright.  I know, I know, I know. I picked the Bills to win last week. But that was against Belichek, Brady and the extra-lovable Pats. That was dumb. But that pick I gave you last week?  That pick? It’s nothing. This pick? This pick right here? Probably wrong too.

Denver (-3.5) over LIONS

Come on. After that roller coaster of a game last week? I’m not picking against us until we lose. Also – I really think it’s way more fun to root for a hard-ass defense than a high-flying offense. It just opens up so many more avenues to talk shit. I can’t wait to have twin boys, demand that we name them Von & Aqib, and then get sent immediately to the divorce lawyer’s office.

PACKERS (-7) over Chiefs

Riding the Pack until the wheels fall off.

Last Week: 6 – 10 – 0

Season: 18 – 12 – 1

Last weekend was magical. The coup de grâce of my gambling troubles.  My Valhalla. My Flu Game. If you’re scoring at home, I went an astounding 13-3 against the spread.  13-3. Against the spread. I wouldn’t believe it myself if I hadn’t published it on this powerhouse of a blog.  But Crane, you might be asking, how much did you win?  That’s the absolute best part.  Not a fucking dime, because I was in New Orleans spending every last dollar to my name, and several dollars belonging to other names (thanks fellas).  Honestly, I’m not even mad, because this is about much more than money. This is about glory.  Oh, who am I kidding, everything is about money, and I’m back in this weekend … meaning, obviously, do NOT follow my picks, because I’m probably going 1-15 (already won on the Donkeys).

TEASE OF THE WEEK:

If you listened last week and teased the Broncos & Packers, you’re welcome.  This weekend, tease the Rams & Dolphins every which way from Sunday.  If you’re feeling frisky, toss in the Ravens.

On to the picks.  Again, all lines from Sportsbook.com as of noon PST on Friday.

Denver (+3) over THE CHEFS

Presented without comment:

https://twitter.com/TheCauldron/status/644710139497435136?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/JonathonKamuf/status/644744546975416320?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Ok, one tiny comment. Von Miller is an angel.

CAROLINA (-3) over Houston

Mallett – Hoyer is like the Ali – Frazier of our generation, only the exact fucking opposite. This is the definition of a battle of attrition.  Just look at him. Would you want this dude as your QB? He looks like he just came from the casting call of ‘To Catch A Predator’.

Tampa Bay (+10) over NEW ORLEANS

As excited as I was to go 13-3 last week, I was equally devastated by the Tampa Bay dumpster fire that erupted after I picked them to be the fantasy darlings of the year.  Doug Martin, come back to us. Please. I need you. America needs you. Oh, and New Orleans is trash, they’re not covering 10.

San Francisco (+6.5) over PITTSBURGH

Thought experiment: immediately text all of your 49er fan friends and ask them how they feel about Kaepernick.  I’ve never met a group of fans who completely loathe their QB – A GOOD QB – so much. It’s insane.  And that’s coming from a guy who had to back Jay Cutler for several seasons.  In their defense, he wears shit like this. 7torms coming.

Detroit (+2.5) over VIKINGS

Just argued with two buddies at work trying to tell me the Vikings were good.  They got absolutely ball-gagged on national TV last Monday. Berman and Dilfer had just finished up talking about how accurate ol’ Teddy Ballgame was, when he promptly sailed about seven straight passes out of bounds, and couldn’t get a hail mary to the end zone from 40 yards out. They’re terrible.  Conversely: I think the Lions are terrible too. Stay away.

New England**** (-1.5) over BILLS

In one short episode, South Park went in on Tom Brady, the Pats, Roger Goodell, the NFL, Caitlyn Jenner and Jared from Subway. Just a standing ovation all around.

Here’s what I wrote about the Bills and the immortal Tyrod Taylor last week: “I know, I know, I know. This pick loos like it’s short a chromosome. HOWEVER, it would just be classic Buffalo to surprise a pre-season Super Bowl favorite early in the year, look like a sneaky contender, get all the obese locals all fired up, and then storm their way to another 7-9 season.” They then went out and beat the breaks off of Indy. You know what? I think they have a few more weeks before that impending losing streak. Fuck it.

BILLS (+1.5) over New England****

Hit it Boomer.

Arizona (-1.5) over CHICAGO

I have a feeling I’m going to hate this pick almost as much as I hate Jay Cutler. Almost.

Tennessee (-1.5) over CLEVELAND 

I posted this earlier in the week, but it’s just too damn good.  It’s a well known fact that the most fun a human can have in life is ‘Shout’ at a wedding. Look it up. Couple that with my borderline unhealthy Nike fetish, and this was probably the best five minutes of my week. Stick around for the credits.

BENGALS (-3.5) over San Diego

Fun fact: I work in San Diego and am in a fantasy league with a bunch of Charger fans. My team name is the LA Chargers. That’s a little something I like to call psychological warfare.

St. Louis (-4) over THE PROFESSIONAL WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM

When media outlets are all doing stories about how much your fans hate your team, you’re in trouble. Washington is atrocious. Take out a second mortgage and lay it on the Rams.

GIANTS (-2) over Falcons

I’ve changed this pick so many times I honestly have no idea. When in doubt, take the home team.

Baltimore (-6.5) over OAKLAND

It’s been 12, count them 12 long years since the Raiders have had a winning season. Will they make it a baker’s dozen this year? Of course they will! They’ve stunk for so long, I don’t even really dislike them anymore. I just feel bad for them. Gotta love the irony of them signing Aldon Smith after his fifth arrest since 2012. Just win baby.

Miami (-6.5) over JACKSONVILLE

In order to trick their fans into paying to come watch them lose, Jacksonville built a vegas-style pool into their stadium where fans can literally drown their sorrows. Just curious if the clientele is more of the Cletus / ponytail / red wife-beater mope in the background there or the hotties in the pool. I have my suspicions.  Florida is the worst.

EAGLES (-5.5) over Dallas 

I went against my number one rule (both in gambling and in life) and changed my initial reaction. With Dez, this is probably Philly -3. Is Dez worth 2.5 points?  I say yes. Yet, I hate the shit out of this pick.

GREEN BAY (-3.5) over Seattle

Last week, I picked Seattle over Green Bay for the NFC Championship this season.  This week?  Me trying to be smart: Seattle really misses Kam Chancellor, Earl Thomas is still banged up, Russell Wilson believes in concussion-preventing water and is against pre-marital sex. Me being honest: fuck Seattle.

INDY (-7) over Jets

Andrew the Giant snaps back to life and we all remember that the Jets are the Jets.

Last Week: 13 – 3 – 0

Season: 13 – 3 – 0

I love absolutely everything about football season. I’m also a compulsive gambler.  I’ve been picking almost every game for the last few years anyway, now I’ve just decided to put it out into the public sphere so you can all mock me. My first real gambling season was  2010, when I rode the 9ers & Packers all season, fell in love with parlays and turned a $100 buy-in into almost $3,000.  This is way too easy, I thought.  I’m such a sucker. Since then, I think I’m down four or five million (approximately), and I’ve tried to swear off parlays so many times I feel like I need a support group.  But you know what?  I don’t even care. There’s nothing like riding your morning winnings & laying down a 3-game tease on the afternoon games (more likely: chasing your early losses, whatever) on your way to Sunday glory.  It makes every game more fun.  I love and hate it so very, very much.

A few random thoughts before the picks:

My Super Bowl prediction: Denver over Seattle (would’ve been Den over GB with a healthy Jordy). Related: I’m a ridiculous homer who has an incredibly difficult time following my head instead of my heart.  Does it matter that our 39-year-old QB admitted to having no feeling in the tips of all the fingers on his throwing hand?  Of course not. Those ducks might not be pretty, but they somehow still get there.

If you listen to nothing else I say this week, just tease the Broncos & Packers and thank me later.

Is there anything better than listening to girlfriends / wives complain that ‘you watched football last Sunday’ and then explaining to them that you’ll be doing this every Sunday during football season for the rest of your life … Mondays too … and most Thursdays … and Saturdays when there’s a good college game on?  I say no.

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Football is back, and it’s beautiful. On to the picks (all lines from Sportsbook.com) …

NEW ENGLAND**** (-7) over Pittsburgh

Picked this one yesterday, before making hundreds of cheating jokes & watching Pittsburgh have no idea who Rob Gronkowski was.

Before I get to my Brady rant, this might be my favorite fun fact of all time: last night has to be the first time opposing teams faced off with suspended players who are out because they got caught smoking weed together. Le’veon Bell & LeGarrette Blount everybody. Take a bow.

On to Tom. Let’s review some of the highlights of the Luckiest Man Alive. To save space, we’ll start with his pro career and skip the years he probably slept with all of his friends girlfriends in high school and college. Drafted in the 6th round, he seemed destined to enjoy the leisurely life of an NFL backup QB.  You know, get to be a millionaire for practicing a lot and generally not doing shit. Then, the All-Pro in front of him gets hurt, he gets thrust into action for a ridiculously good team that was just kicking off its run of the most successful cheating system this side of Tiger Woods.  One still unexplainable Tuck Rule later, he wins a Super Bowl and inherits a dynasty.  Now he has four Super Bowls, and he’s debatably the best quarterback of all time.  That’s just football. Let’s check his personal life. Dude was dating a Hollywood starlet, and then dumped her when she was PREGNANT for the hottest supermodel in the entire fucking world. Pregnant. For a Brazilian supermodel. America’s response? ‘Meh, he’s got an adorable chin.’  So this year he finally gets his comeuppance in the form of a four-game suspension. And gets it overturned in federal court. I swear to god, he was the Dalai Lama in a past life. He also got away with this:

I hate you Tom Brady, but goddamn do I respect you.

Green Bay (-7) over CHICAGO

In two games against Da Bears last season, ARod tossed for 617 yards and 10 TDs. However – Rodgers is my starting QB in both of my fantasy leagues, so it’s just as likely that he’s the NFL’s first ever on-field death this season. Proceed with caution.

Kansas City (+1) over HOUSTON

Only chance Houston has at being any good this season is if JJ Watt employs the vaunted Nelson Muntz offense and plays every position on the field while throwing touchdowns to himself. I wouldn’t put it past him, he really might be the baddest fucker on the planet.

JETS (-3) over Browns

Can’t wait to take a beer / bathroom break on Sunday every time this nail-biter comes up on RedZone.

BUFFALO (+3) over Indy

I know, I know, I know. This pick loos like it’s short a chromosome. HOWEVER, it would just be classic Buffalo to surprise a pre-season Super Bowl favorite early in the year, look like a sneaky contender, get all the obese locals all fired up, and then storm their way to another 7-9 season. Hit it Boomer:

Miami (-4) over THE WASHINGTON PRO FOOTBALL TEAM

One time in high school, a buddy of ours who was having a really bad football season, went out of a game with a ‘concussion’ after a football bounced off a punt and hit him in the helmet. That’s 100% what happened to RG3 in the pre-season.  I don’t care what ‘professionals’ or ‘reality’ says, I’m still all-in. I saw Black Jesus in person against the Giants during his rookie season, and there’s no way that dude is worse than Colt McCoy. I want the Broncos to sign him when he gets cut sooooo bad. He was made for a Kubiak bootleg.

Carolina (-3.5) over JACKSONVILLE

Carolina rolls over the Jags, or as the rest of the league lovingly refers to them, The Bye Weeks. Unrelated: wanna know my favorite Cam Newton highlight?  Von Miller is the greatest.

ST. LOUIS (+4.5) over Seattle

Now that the 49ers suck, I think I dislike the NFC West more than any other division in football. They’re like the SEC of the NFL. A bunch of insufferable assholes with superiority complexes, great defenses, and shit offenses.  Oh yeah, Russell Wilson drinks water that prevents concussions, so there’s that. Seattle still wins though.

New Orleans (+2.5) over ARIZONA

Arizona is once again the winner of the Team That Sucks & Has A Ton Of Fantasy Implications award. New Orleans will continue to be loathed by everyone who got suckered into thinking they’re going to run the ball. Question: why do all Alabama running backs suck in the NFL?  They’re like the Duke of football. Weird.

SAN DIEGO (-3) over Detroit

God I hate Phil Rivers.

TAMPA BAY (-3) over Titans

All-in on Doug Martin. All-in on Mike Evans. All-in on Vinny Jackson. All-in on Famous Jameis. All-in on Doug Martin a 2nd time (contract yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear). All-in on the Bucs going 5-11 but being the fantasy darlings of America’s heart.

Bengals (-3.5) over OAKLAND

I’m not even close to kidding when I say the only thing I know about either of these teams is that AJ Green plays for one of them.

DENVER (-5) over Baltimore

We could beat Baltimore by 100 points every time we play them for the next 100 years, and unless every single one of those happened in the playoffs, I still wouldn’t be over the Rahim Moore game. Up 7, :44 seconds, 70 yards, *sigh*. I think we win by 20, but still … that game was like getting dumped, fired, and diagnosed with swine flu all at once.

GIANTS (+6) over Cowboys

Three of my buddies from my longtime fantasy league were drafting at my house, and none of them could figure out why Odell Beckham Jr. was ranked so high. Well here, let me show you:

OBJ is the Steph Curry of the NFL. I’d pay just to watch him warm-up.

Eagles (-3) over FALCONS

Over / under on weeks until Sam Bradford’s ACL’s implode upon themselves: 2.5. Until then, ride the Eagles.

49ERS (+2.5) over Vikings

I hope Navorro Bowman hides a switch in his pants, tackles AP, then whips him in the nuts with it.  Karma is a bitch.

Season: 0 – 0 – 0

I was born in the 80s and grew up a football fan in Colorado. As such, I fell in love with the CU teams of the 90s that dominated the Big 8, won a national championship, went toe-to-toe with the Nebraska dynasty, gave us 62-36:

and brought us this magical moment in time:

Kordell Stewart for life, man. I promise you, I’m not making this up. We used to be good.  Sigh. We have now had nine, count them NINE, consecutive losing seasons, and it hurts my heart. It really does.  For the last few years, I’ve just stopped caring. Sure, I like to watch us play, and I want us to win, but losing really has no effect on me one way or another. When you expect to lose, that’s what happens to you. You stop giving a shit.

So let’s go back two years. Stuck in this decade of mediocrity, we hire on rebuilder de jour Mike Macintyre to salvage this already sunken Titanic. His rep goes as such: first season stuck with previous regime’s players & culture – wash; 2nd season with healthy mixture of the two – slight improvement; 3rd season with his guys, bought into his system – eureka! Now, I’ve spent the entire offseason not believing in a wink of this. Until this week. Then, I started reading blogs (unrelated: goddamn you internet), staying up on CU media Twitter, talking to friends. Sure, we were 2 – 10 last year, but we lost SIX GAMES by 10 points or less. Two of those in DOUBLE OT! We also finally raised enough money to open up new facilities that might let us compete in recruiting real talent, while also figuring out (in 2015, mind you) that it may make sense to have an indoor practice facility. You know, because we live in the mountains.

http://www.ralphiereport.com/videos/2014/4/14/5611642/fly-through-upcoming-colorado-buffaloes-facilities-upgrades

On top of all of that, I really WANT to have a team to root for again.  I work with a bunch of self-entitled SEC assholes that can barely read and never shut the fuck up. I need this. So, I’ve decided to suck up the 10pm kick time & watch my boys storm the field. We’re 7-pt favorites against the immortal Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. You’ve got to start somewhere. Fuck ’em up, fuck ’em up, GO CU.

—

To summarize this matchup: we have Nike jerseys with silver helmets, and they’re hard as nails. The Rainbow Warriors are wearing Under Armour and are about to get ball-gagged. (see? I’m not only drinking the Kool-aid, I’m straight shotgunning it.)

Buffs ball. Here we go. Let’s put up 7 and show the rest of the PAC-12 we mean business.  Three & out. All good. It’s a 1am EST kickoff. Has to be some nerves. We’re still good. Blocked punt. Shit. Still good. Hawaii touchdown. Ok. Two point conversion. That’s just dick. Fuck. 8 – 0 The Immortal Rainbow Warriors. That escalated quickly.

Next possession. Time to shine. Show these men of will what will is really made of. Sacked on the first snap. Ok. Three and out. Damnit.

So, announcer (and yes, they’ll both be referred to as ‘announcer’ from here on out. 1am EST team doesn’t get name-dropped) hits us with this gem: ‘CU trying to improve on one of the worst defenses in the country last year.’ Word. So we obviously make him eat his words & get a pick. Never mind, pass interference, because, of course. Shit.  I’m sensing a trend here.  But still, those silver unis are clean.

Nice little piece by CBS telling us that Hawaii’s ginger QB who’s making us look ridiculous used to start for USC. Of course he did. That probably means he was at least a 4-star recruit once upon a time. Just look at this dude. He looks like he was born to kill babies and throw touchdowns.

You know how many 4-star recruits CU has? Negative seven. I’m not kidding.

Sidenote #1: there may be nothing I enjoy / lose my shit about in life more than a sports announcer stating his opinion on a play that BLATANTLY goes against the slow-mo replay everyone watching at home sees & knows this dummy is watching in his booth. Just the best.

So, I had another pessimistic sentence ready to roll right here. Something about how I’ve had several cocktails, it’s 11:00pm, we needed a sketchy replay to get our only first down and their coach looks stoned … and then ol’ baby killing ginger throws a pick, and we get 1st & 10 on the HI 30.  Something doin’! Aaaaaaaand, we throw a pick right back. On cue, text from a fellow Buff: ‘Duck me.’ ‘Our defenders look like D3 players.’ So, we’re drunk AND we’ve lost hope. With 12:30 left in the 2nd. Return to dominance. But I mean, those jerseys though.

So, literally can’t make this up. After we toss the pick, we get what looks to be a surefire safety. Somehow, the refs decide they got out of the endzone, and we force them to punt from their own 1. They punt, it bounces roughly 10 yards ahead of our deep man … just STAY THE FUCK AWAY. Cool. NO. Does he try to field it in the middle of roughly 17 Rainbow Warriors? Of course he does. Does he fumble it away? Of course he does.  But you know who’s not upset? This hero:

For the record, that’s a giant foam CU cowboy hat, black & gold overalls, and two shaka-brahs.

Then, as if to just prove that karma is a thing and I’m a dick for being so negative, we get a pick and score a touchdown two plays later. I just re-read the above. You’d think we just had an on-field death, yet we’re only down 8-7. Not sure if that’s more of an indictment on us or them.  Of course the only player on our team who has done anything positive is related to the only good coach we’ve ever had. Sports, man.

Sidenote #2: can’t even lie, I just got way more excited for the A$AP Samsung commercial than I did for any moment of this game. At.Long.Last.A$AP. Hit it.

I swear to god, I might not survive this night. I’m on the most pessimistic group thread this world has ever seen, and it has just started to turn our way. Screams of ‘high school level’ have turned into ‘Liufau looks frisky’, and like that … Hawaii’s ginger dynamo throws a 79-yard TD. HI 15 – 7 CU. But, I’m saying, even when we’re falling down & missing peewee-level tackles, those jerseys though.

I guess I just won’t sleep tonight. CU just took it, put together a helluva drive and punched it in. HI 15 – 14 CU. I’ve declared victory and admitted defeat roughly 20 times each already. Fresh glass of bourbon? Sure. Might even forget about the ice cream sammy I just ate and take down the one I bought the roommate. Before you think about judging me, just look at Red’s happy ass. He’s fucking antagonizing me.

Sidenote #3: confirmed with three different friends, and I can’t stand how this announcer says Hawaii, especially given he’s obviously the opie of this all-star team. We get it, you ate some pineapple, had some BBQ, you’re culturally sensitive & a citizen of the world. Just say it like the rest of us.

Back to the game. CU driving, and gets 3rd & 2 on the HI 40 with roughly a buck and half before the half. Announcing all-stars let us know that CU is 4 for 4 on 3rd downs tonight when less than 4 yards. You’ll never believe this, but we fumbled. Sonofabitch.

That’s two dogshit PI calls that have gone against us that this crack team of analysts has failed to acknowledge. ‘There’s no faceguarding in college’ he says, right as the slow-mo shows Witherspoon get there exactly on time with the ball. Trust me, the refs do NOT need to help these dudes. We’ll fuck it up ourselves. As we go to the half, it’s HI 18 – 14 CU.

Summary of that immaculate display of football superiority these two contenders put on in the first half:

Alright, we kick to start the 2nd and I’ve made a promise to myself – stay positive. So far, so good. We force a 3 & out to start. It’s 12:19am here, and I’m sticking to water until something bad happens. This is the latest my old ass has stayed up in weeks.

Nice little drive here by CU. On a serious note, Philip Lindsay is legit. I like him even more finding out that he’s from Aurora. And despite my negativity, I love Liufau. He gets put in shit situation after shit situation, and just stands in there and takes it. Dude’s tough as nails. Watch him break out the truck stick here:

Field goal good, and we trail by 1. HI 18 – 17 CU. I’m tired. But seriously, our jerseys look good.

Another 3 & out by Hawaii, and my original fear has turned into understanding as to why USC let this baby-killing ginger walk. He’s not good. 7:55 left in the 3rd, Buffs ball. *knocks furiously on coffee table*

It’d probably be great, not just for my state of mind but for my sobriety, if they could stop bringing up the fact that we’ve had 9 straight losing seasons. I have to go to work tomorrow.

Damn. 4:37 left in the 3rd. We sack up and go for it on 4th & 3. Don’t get it. I don’t care what this Bill Walton wannabe says, I love that call. Let’s hope ex-USC ginger doesn’t find his mojo. And did you see our jerseys?

Both teams look extremely anemic now, and are trading sad possession for sad possession. I’ve taken the opportunity to go back and write the intro.  Our offense looks tired and confused, and Hawaii just punched in another TD. Start of 4th, HI 25 – 17 CU. My roommate is asleep on the couch, and I just brushed my teeth so that I wouldn’t pour another bourbon. The Rainbows are marching and just kicked another field goal. HI 28 – 17 CU. I’m losing my zest here. If we don’t score on the next possession, sleep it shall be. I’ll have to recap our epic comeback by reading the stories from real journalists in the morning.  Punt. Goodnight.

—

*Wakes up.* *Checks ESPN.* *Hungover, can’t read.* *28-20.* *fuck.*

Sadly, there would be no comeback in the aloha state, proving to the 25 people in attendance and dozens watching on TV that we are, in fact, back!  You could say we only lost by 8 and showed some grit. But I’m a compulsive gambler, so I’d add in the 7, call it 15, and tell you you’re dumb.  The good news? We’re in the PAC-12, which is armed to the teeth and widely considered the best conference in America. Time for another ‘just hope we beat CSU to save face’ season.

The bad news? After sleeping on it, I think I hate those fucking jerseys. At least I didn’t eat the 2nd ice cream sammy. I feel so alone.