Fight poster credit goes to Yahoo. So badass.
Full disclosure: I’m a GoT uber nerd. Read all the books. Seen every episode. Spent more days than is acceptable or even remotely respectable trolling my way around the never-ending rabbit hole that is The Song of Ice & Fire wiki. I kid you not, don’t do it unless you have at least an hour to kill (or do, because it’s awesome). Point is, I already know what’s going to happen and I’m still schoolgirl excited. I promise not to spoil anything here, but just know that it will be epic. We’ll use science to figure out the winner, based (obviously) on backstory, offense, defense, nickname, motivation, and sexuality. This is the definitive guide to our generation’s Ali – Frazier, our LaRusso – Lawrence.
FIRST, HOW WE GOT HERE:
If you don’t know, then I probably hate you, and I doubt you’ll keep reading. So I’ll assume anyone that’s gotten this far at least watches the show. Tyrion, that crafty little bastard, again resorts to what just may be the greatest law ever – Trial by Combat. The Westerosi judicial system seems to be a vague yet decent representation of due process here in the US. Someone is accused of something, there is a trial, there is a judge (in this case, three judges), a verdict, and a sentence. But there’s a catch. Don’t like your sentence? You, or a champion that will fight for you, gets to fight to the death with your accuser, or their champion. That’s awesome in so many ways, and I want it in my life, just sans that little death detail. Girlfriend wants to watch Real Houswives during NBA Playoffs? Trial by combat. Coworker with a dumb idea? Fuck your idea, trial by combat. The possibilities are endless. ANYWAY, Cersei, of course, names tons-of-fun himself, Ser Gregor Clegane, aka The Mountain that Rides. And just when we thought Tyrion would be ankle-biting with his battle-axe again, in steps Prince Oberyn Martell, aka The Red Viper. And now, for the hundreds in the Red Keep, and the thousands watching on HBO around the Seven Kingdoms, ladies and gentleman,
BACKSTORY
As he’s been around since season 1, we’ll start with The Mountain. We don’t know a ton about him. Head of House Clegane, older brother of the Hound, go-to raper / pillager for Tywin Lannister and all around good guy. In the book, he’s 420lbs and 8 ft. tall (the strongman champion they got to play him on TV – the 3rd actor to play him – is an ungodly 6′ 9″, 405lbs). As a child, he held his brother’s face against hot coals for playing with one of his toys. He is also rumored to have killed his father, sister and two wives. Last time we saw him, he was chopping the head off his horse and trying to kill his brother. Thug life.
The Red Viper is the younger brother of Prince Doran of Dorne, and the greatest television character since Avon Barksdale. As a teenager, he was caught sleeping with the lover of a local Lord. As he was of noble birth, he was challenged to a first-blood-only duel. But after this duel, the Lord’s wounds got continually worse & eventually killed him, with everyone suspecting Oberyn of using a poisoned blade; thus the nickname. Oberyn was exiled for a bit (aka he’s rich & went site-seeing), spending time studying more poison at the Citadel, then fighting and bedding his way around the world. He’s universally feared, rumored to be bisexual, and has 8 bastard daughters called the Sand Snakes (apparently nicknames are just better in Dorne), all of which he cares for, raises, and teaches to fight. Not exactly the norm in Westeros. He was also very close with his sister, who we know was raped & murdered by the Mountain, on the orders of Tywin. He attempted to raise Dorne against the Lannisters, but failed, and has been out for vengeance ever since.
Edge: The Red Viper, by a mile
OFFENSE
Mountain strong, Mountain break things. Ser Gregor, ever the traditionalist, fights with a 6-ft broad sword. Freakishly strong and extremely violent, he’s been known to chop other men completely in half with one blow. Though Bronn let us know that he was sneaky agile for a man his size, it would seem he’d lose points on mobility. Think Bebop & Rocksteady – very definition of a big dumb animal, but if he gets his hands on you, you’re fooked. The Viper, on the other hand, hails from the stick & move school of hard knocks. He fights with an 8-ft spear, which history says he may or may not cover with poison, and apparently was trained in the slums of Shaolin (see my man going straight Bruce Lee at :28).
Sorry Oberyn, but only the strong survive.
Slight Edge: The Mountain.
DEFENSE
Pretty much the same as their offense, but I needed another category. The Mountain is basically a Brinks truck with a beard. Taken straight from our wiki friends, ‘In battle he wears the heaviest, thickest plate armor in the Seven Kingdoms. His armor is so heavy that no ordinary man would be able to move, let alone fight effectively while wearing it[3], making him nigh-invincible in combat … ‘ He also carries a shield roughly the size of your garage. Oberyn eschews the local affinity for heavy metal and runs with lightly armored leathers. Think wide receiver pads; less is more. He’s the Floyd Mayweather of the 7 Kingdoms. I’d also argue that his alleged (ALLEGED) use of poison should count for defense points – like a medieval PED.
It pretty much blatantly contradicts my pick for offense, but history & Hollywood tell us big, strong & slow rarely wins. You can’t hurt what you can’t hit.
Slight Edge: Viper
NICKNAME
‘The Mountain’, despite inherently making you think of very large things, sounds like a Coldplay song. The type of song that takes you on the journey of a sad, sad man trying to overcome some metaphorical obstacle and makes you wanna take shots by yourself in the morning. Sure, it could be a giant, freezing, unforgiving hell on earth where one goes to die, but the point remains. The meaning is ambiguous. But ‘The Red Viper’? Now THAT is a nickname. There’s no splitting hairs there. He came to kill you and sleep with your woman.
Edge: Viper
MOTIVATION
You’d think this one would be a draw. That’s what you get when you fight to the death. Think back to high school when you had to run from the cops at an underage drinking party – you never ran so fast in your life. This is like that, times infinity. But for the last 20 years, Oberyn has done nothing but think of ways to avenge his sister & her babies. He doesn’t just want to kill the Mountain & the Lannisters, he wants to go to work on them with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.
Major Edge: Viper
SEXUALITY
Mountain: rape
Viper: yes, please.
(Does sexuality really matter in a trail by combat? Of course it does. This is Game of Thrones, sex always matters.)
Edge: Viper
Finally Tally: Viper Wins 5 -1
(I’m obviously pro-Viper, but I swear I didn’t plan the landslide when I picked the categories. Please don’t read into this.)
So if we’re to believe in science (which, come on, this is America, who believes in science?), it would seem our beloved Viper has a pretty decent shot here. He’s more mysterious, cooler, quicker, angrier and hornier. A lethal combination, it would seem. But the eye test says he’s doomed to play Apollo to the Mountain’s Drago. If he dies, he dies.
So who wins? I don’t know, everyone? Vegas opened at Mountain -300, but I’d imagine that comes down a bit with the late Dornish action. I’d recommend taking Viper and the points, parlaying it with the Heat and calling it a day.
My Prediction:
illiterate sports 